Essence of Life

One of the definitions of the word essence is "the crucial element, or the most important ingredient"


I have spent an enormous amount of time pondering essence in the previous months. I have examined my own life's essence and questioning if it even exists within me. Can a life even be considered a life if it is void of essence? I believe that if you are missing that one crucial element that brings the whole life together, then it is just a recipe that is not worth cooking or sharing.

If your life were a recipe, what kind of ingredients would be listed? I feel like I have many ingredients listed in the "what you need" section of my recipe, but I have failed in mastering the perfect quantities of each to form a tasty, winning recipe. I have long put the ingredients back in to the cupboard and have forgone searching for my essence. My life's essence seems to be in a state of perpetual postponement, continuing to be an un-used recipe, not yet culminating into a wonderfully, exotic, flavorful and decadent meal worth cooking over and over again.

Maybe with a little more time, I will finally be able to master the recipe, but time along with life is of the essence. Everything linked together, moving fiercely and quickly, I am afraid I will run out of time before I am able to discover my essence. I may have to come to the realization, that the recipe of me, is not worth the page in the ultimate cook book. It is a recipe that is so tasteless, that it should never be repeated. However, with enough tweaking, can a recipe be saved? If I take a little more time in preparation and execution ,paying closer attention to all of the exact measurements of every ingredient, maybe I will be able to salvage it and cook it into something masterful.

 I have always been creative in the kitchen, not paying close attention to detail and just adding a little of this and little of that, and have never gotten bogged down in the details.  My dishes have always been wonderfully delicious and I guess I that is how I have always been in life as well.  However, I have come to realize that cooking in the kitchen of life requires a bit more precision. 

Creature of comfort?

I am self aware.  I am cursed with too much self awareness.  I know I when I am making a mistake, I see when I am doing wrong, and I see everything I need to do to fix it.  However, I don't always do it.  I am learning that I might be a creature of comfort. 

It is amazing that things we do over and over that bring us pain and suffering become comfortable.  I know that is how it is for me.  I have just learned that about myself and I must say, it makes me sick to my stomach that I have become that way.

I am used to the pain and the suffering of my life.  It hurts and I am so tired of crying, yet deep down there is some comfort to it because I know what to expect.  There is no surprises with my life the way that it is now. 

This brings me to the question that has been on my mind for sometime now.  Do we do the same things over and over, even if they are bad for us or bring us pain, because deep down we are comfortable with the results?

I wonder if there is truth to this.  Actually, I don't wonder because I have found this to be true, at least for myself and I see it with the people close to me as well.  I see this same attribute in my friends, and in my intimate relationships. 

I think there is something inside of me that is afraid to change this habit.  I have learned that I am scared of the unknown and that I am worried that I wont be able to handle new outcomes.  I think that the outcomes that I am already "prepared" for throw me for a loop sometimes so what would a new outcome do to me?

I am realizing how much fear I have in my life and deep inside my soul.  I am afraid to fail yet I am afraid to succeed.  I am afraid to experience the new because I don't know what to expect.  I obviously am NOT afraid of heartbreak because I set myself up for that day after day.

For every action, there is a reaction, so if I am comfortable with heartbreak then I must be severely uncomfortable with happiness. 

Ugh...that is quite the revelation.  Damn self awareness f#@ked me again.

Living in a world of distraction

A few months ago, I had a couple in their 80's come into my office.  They were holding hands, and were still genuinely in love.  The had been married for 60 plus years and still were quite vibrant and loving towards one another.  Throughout our conversation, they looked at each other often and smiled.  He gently touched her hand and you could feel the warmth of their love and mutual respect radiate throughout the room.

After they left, I couldn't stop thinking about this couple.  I couldn't help thinking about how love has changed with the generations.  I couldn't help but think with every decade, love and respect between two people deteriorates and relationships don't last. 

I began to wonder if the more technology we develop, the farther we get away from loving and respectful relationships. We have so many distractions in our daily lives and then we have so many "entertainment" distractions as well.  Video games, reality television, texting, Internet, email, chat rooms, social networking sites all take our attention in another direction.  It seems as if we don't have to face the issues with ourselves or with our relationships because we can just drown ourselves with other distractions.

I am guilty of using these distractions.  I think we all are in someway or another.  These distractions however don't "numb" me out.  I don't look at them as a way to truly escape the issues of my life. 

Sometimes I wish I could just turn it all off and go back in time a few months or a few years.  I long for the days without all of these distractions.  I want days where serious conversations take place face to face other than via text messaging. 

With all of these distractions, do we truly have to face what's wrong?

New Day?

I have always lived by the mantra "Every passing minute is just another chance to turn it all around."  I want to live that way and I want to believe that is true.

I know that I am the only one connecting myself to "yesterday".  I am the one who can't seem to stop the chatter in my own head that is taking me back and preventing me from living in this moment right now. 

Today is a new day, but it is difficult not to let yesterday creep in and mess up your positive thinking.  In all of the reading that I have always done on the Zen living, you are just supposed to keep bringing yourself back to "NOW".  It sounds so easy, yet in practice it is much more difficult. 

I don't understand why as people we have a hard time living in the now.  If we lived in the now, we wouldn't feel half of the pain that we feel.  We could just enjoy what is happening without struggling with what is wrong and yearning for what is not.

I don't want to yearn for what is not.  I want to burn myself out in every possible moment and just know that what is happening right now is the best possible thing that could happen.  I want to believe in that with every fiber of my being, but I guess some behaviors are just so deeply embedded that it will take awhile to dig them up and get rid of them.

My goal for today is to just live in today.  Not spend my time worrying about yesterday and not obsessing about tomorrow.  Today, I will just worry about what is happening now.  I will look for my motivation, which has been lost this week and I will do at least one thing that makes me feel good and healthy.

It is a new day, even though previous days seem to be dragging me down, I will enjoy today.  I will sit with my legs crossed and breath deeply in and out finding the zen in my own life.

No More Blogs about "HIM"

Today I think (I hope I can control myself) I wrote my last blog about HIM.  I have come to terms with the fact that he isn't coming back (Yes, I know I have said that before) and I am just ready to move on from this place.

I know that there are still some hard times in my future when it comes to this failure.  I know that he will show up with a U-haul to pack up his stuff and that is going to be a heart wrenching day, but I am going to try my best not to blog about it. 

I want use my head space to get to the heart of the issues that got me to this place right now.  I want to explore what has really made me who I am and why it seems like I am still at the starting line of life.  I want to delve deep inside my vast soul and release the pain I have been holding onto.

Everything that I feel is just a symptom of something bigger and it's time to face the hard truths.  I will heal myself and I will find the light at the end of the tunnel.  I will once again live the big life that I once lived and I will once again find the humor that brought sunshine to the people around me.  I will once again walk on the path to be the best Toni I can be.

I release him and the pain that has been caused by him.  I release the blame that he lay ed on me and I forgive myself for the mistakes that I made.  I accept my sadness and I will begin to release that sadness. However, I have yet to forgive "HIM".  I have a feeling that will be a little farther down the road.

I say goodbye to HIM now and I say Thank you to you all who have supported me on this part of the journey. 

Stay tuned and watch the real work begin!

Poked the Bear

Yesterday was a hard day.  I felt a strong need to contact HIM and I did.  My reason is because I wanted to tell him that I thought he was a runner, and that I couldn't and wouldn't take the blame for everything that has happened.  I really wish that is the way it would have went.  I heard his voice and I just broke down.  I found myself begging him to come back which made me feel like a fool.  I wont bore you with all of the details, but the conversation ended and the texts went on until he once again turned mean and cold.

I cried all day and really just wanted the pain to stop.  I think I was crying mostly because I was so angry with myself.  I just had to poke the bear and I don't even know why.  I did it.  I am the one who contacted him, I am the one who provoked his meanness and  I am the one who just made the whole situation worse.

I can't for the life of me figure out why I did this.  Why did I feel such a need to contact him when deep down I knew this would be the result? 

I know that I am just looking for something to make me feel better.  None of what is happening right now makes any sense to me, and that is what is causing this unexplainable pain in my heart and the emptiness in my soul.  I know that I keep searching for answers hoping that something will click and the pain will disappear.  It's just funny that searching and talking is part of what got me here to begin with.  He hated the talking, and yet I just keep poking the bear.

I do really want to let go and just move on, but I feel like that is impossible right now.  One of the problems is that I have nothing to fill my time right now except my own thoughts.  I want to break free of this self loathing and feel an ounce of happiness again. 

Logically, I know that I am the only one that break these chains, yet they just feel so damn tight. 

Love is a choice

I do believe that love is a choice.  I believe that is why love is so difficult at times.  You choose everyday to love the people around you, even when it's hard.  When we meet new and exciting people that we connect with, we are enveloped in feelings but are any of those feelings really love?  I know that it is passion, lust, excitement and attraction but I don't believe that it is love.

Love is something that you choose to feel and that you choose to convey and that you decide you are going to give. 

I think that when we think of love being a choice, we think of the choice TO love.  Rarely do we make the conscious decision NOT to love someone.  Today, I am making the choice to no longer love HIM.

I feel sad that I lost him, and I know that I have been trying to convince myself that it is HIM that I do miss, but I am slowly beginning to realize that I was just trying to hold on because I didn't want to face another failure.  I believe that my ego has gotten in the way of my rational decision making and my ego has clouded my judgement.  My ego is what is really devastated. 

I try to walk away from HIM everyday, so I can see things more clearly then the day before.  I have to tell myself the hard truths about this relationship, and that isn't always easy.  There isn't anyone hear to watch me lie to myself, so I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be lying to myself at all.  I have to tell myself that I was ready to walk away from HIM six months ago.  I was unhappy and miserable six months ago and every time we argued, I would mutter under my breath, "get the fuck out of my house".  One of the hard truths that I have to tell myself, is that one reason I am so devastated by this break up is because I didn't do it.  I didn't take control of the situation along time ago.  That is partly my ego of course but also my emotional being.  I stayed because I didn't want to fail.  I stayed because I was afraid.  And yes, I stayed because I didn't want to start over yet once again.  I stayed for a lot of other reasons that I will discuss in my future blogs.

So yes, love is a choice and so is not to love someone.  Today I choose freedom from love.  I am closing the book on a horrible love story and I am going to prepare myself to write another love story someday.  Today, I choose to let his love go and to let my love go.  I choose to accept what has happened and to accept the real reasons why I am sad.  Today, I choose to walk alone and to get back on the path that leads back to me.

Today is my day.

It's over and that's okay...

It's over.  The relationship I have been struggling with for a month, is over.  Yes, I am sad and heartbroken, but I have to sa,y, I do feel some relief because as I have said before, limbo is not where I like to live. 

This all happened via text (AGAIN) and I had to back him into a corner to get the answer.  I kept asking him a straight question, asked him for a yes or no, and he said EVERYTHING but yes or no.  He said he wasn't in love with me anymore, he said he thought to much time had passed, he said he doesn't think we can make it for the long haul, he said he doesn't think he can let the past go.  I asked him point blankly...DO YOU WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP? and those are all of the answers I got.  I told him I didn't want back him into a tight corner, but that I needed an answer, because this whole situation was ripping me apart and this is what I got "FINE I DON'T THEN."  Wow, I thought to myself, he can't even be a nice guy when it's ending.  I replied with a nice text that explained how I was being ripped apart and that I loved him and the last thing I wanted was to give up on this and can he understand that and he replied with a "Yep" and that was the last thing I have heard from him.

He has broken my heart and that I can live with because I do know it will heal.  I will find my balance again and I will find my confidence again.  I will find the things that make me happy again.  I know that in the last year, I have hidden myself and maybe that is why I have been so sad.  I lost my way and now it is time to find it again.

I am upset that HE can't find any responsibility and that he can't look inside himself at all to see the things that he has done to get us to where we are.  He is the type that projects all of his bullshit onto to other people.  I have to just accept that and realize he will never be like me and that he is on his own path.  Sure, I wish he would see the light, I wish he would take responsibility for his flaws and his actions but he wont and I have to be okay with that.  I have to know in my heart that what caused our demise was his emotional bullshit and my inability to handle it.

I am seperated into two parts.  I am emotional and logical.  My logical being knows that this is the best thing.  My logical being knows that me taking all of the blame for what went wrong in our relationship is not right.  My logical being knows that I am not as worthless as he has made me feel.  My logical being knows that I have allowed him to make me feel this way.

My emotional being,  however, doesn't buy anything my logical being is selling.  This is a big deal.  Somewhere deep down inside of me, I must truly believe that I am not worthy and for me to move on in a healthy way, I have to figure out what is inside of me that has skewed my self worth.

It seems now that I am the bad guy, and he will tell people that I just wouldn't play ball and that I forced him out of the relationship.  He will tell people that I am "crazy" and way to emotional and that I asked way to much of him. 

Atleast now I can move on and try to fix what is broken inside of me without feeling bad about who I am. 

How much blame can one person take?

Anyone who reads my blog and who knows me, knows I have no problem expressing myself.  I am too good at though.  I am beginning to think I overly express and am starting to wonder if that overwhelms the people in my life or if what I have to say hits them to close to home.

If you read my last blog, you know that I am trying desperately to resolve the issues with my estranged boyfriend.  I yearn for resolution so deeply, that I am willing to just let him go so I can begin healing and moving on with my life.  I had a bit of a text war with him today that was quite the eye opener.  I take full responsibility for my actions and the demons inside of me that got us to this point.  However, it is not natural for just ONE person to take all of the blame...is it?  We talked about a fresh a start today, and he doesn't know if he can wipe the slate clean.  I told him ways that we could do that, and in that, one of the things I said is that we each take responsibility for the roles that we played to get us to where we are.  This was his response..."I DIDN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING". 

As you all can imagine, I was dumbfounded.  I couldn't believe what I was reading.  He was right though, he didn't do anything.  He didn't do anything at all except keep score.  He told me he WAITED for things to get better.  I didn't know that he was waiting, I didn't know things were so terrible.  I honestly had no idea he was on his way out the door.  Of course he said I did know because it was obvious.  I used to ask him all of the time if he was happy, and he would reply with a yes.  I would ask him what was bothering him and he would reply with a "nothing".  I ask him once if he wanted to leave me and he replied with a "no, jesus christ I am not leaving you".  But according to the wise man, I should have known he were headed for disaster.

Things were difficult between us for a while, but it was nothing that couldn't be fixed.  I was trying to straighten myself out and get in control of what was ripping me apart, and yes, he did nothing.

Today's conversation showed me once again that I am no where near close to a reconciliation and I even told him he needed to make a choice whether he was going or staying, which he just said okay too.  Today showed me that I have taken way to much of the blame of what went wrong and that I need to stop with that.  I need to let go of the notion that all I need is for him to come back and I be the fall guy and I can make it all better.  Logically, I know that is impossible.  If I couldn't do that before things went to shit, how can I do it after.  He expects me to fail and how can I live with that?

There is no hope for this relationship.  He feels like he had no part in the demise, and how can I work with that?  I just can't figure out why I can't stick to my guns and get him out of my life.  What the fuck is stopping me?  He has made me feel like the worst person ever to be born and worse than that, I have allowed him to make me feel that way. 

If a relationship is 50/50, can one person be held solely responsible for everything?  How much blame can one person actually take?  Responsibility is just the ability to respond, so if I am responding and he is not, doesn't that make him at fault as well?

O.M.F.G, I am just as confused as I was the other day, and more so then when he left.  He just keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants.  He just says nothing WILL ever change, which I guess if you break that down and read between the lines, he is saying he will never change, maybe that is all the answers I need.

Taking the blame like I have hasn't done a thing to get me to where I need to go, and I actually think that where I need to go is somewhere far away from him. 

I just can't get over the fact that he thinks he had nothing to do with all of this.  WOW, I wonder what it is like to be so perfect.

One small step for mankind...One giant leap for TONI

Today was the day.  Today was the day that I finally decided to pull the trigger on the whole estranged boyfriend situation.  After much toiling and self debate, I found that it was finally time to tell him to come and get his stuff and we would just be done.  I don't do well in limbo, it is not a good place for me to be.  I live in the gray area of life, but in some instances, I am extremely black and white.  It is one of the many contradictions of me. 

I had a whole plan in place.  At first I was going to text him the long drawn version of why I think this is best.  I wrote it, I read it over and over and paid very close attention to detail.  I then thought that it was to long for text messaging and thought I would type it out and say it all via voicemail.  I was quite proud of what I had to say.  I stood up for myself, yet I was still nice and kind.  I wrote everything I wanted him to know.  I told him I loved him, yet this seems to be his modes operandis, and is afraid to face the hard stuff and is hoping I will just finally become fed up enough to just let him go and that is what I am doing..blah blah blah!

I read it over and over, like it was my script and I was the star of some movie in dysfunctionalwood.  I wanted to be able to get it all out in one voicemail and I decided that it was best that he hear the calm collected tone of my voice and not be able to read anything else into what I was saying like he would have been able to do with an email or text message. 

I sat and read it again, and finally comfortable with my decision.  It is important for me to know with all certainty that I am doing things for the right reasons and not some silly thing my crazy inner voice is wanting.  I wanted to make sure in myself, that I didn't expect anything out of this except for him to say "okay, I will be there to pick up my shit soon, nice knowing ya".

I dialed the phone, knowing he wouldn't answer and I could just say what I needed to say to the kind ear of his voicemail.  Well, wouldn't you know it, the first time in a month, the Jack hole answers the goddamn phone!! I stuttered and stammered because I was caught completely off guard.  Thank god I am quick on my feet and it really doesn't take me much to re-group.  I was calm, friendly and very collected.  I told him that it was time he come and move out and we go our separate ways.  I told him that I love him, and would love the chance to work the through the issues, but I can't make him want the same things.  I expressed to him, that it seems like this is what he wants, me to just let all of this go so he can move on and I told him that is what I am willing to do so we can have our freedom.  OMG..he screamed on the phone "DO YOU THINK THIS IS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT???" I have to say, I kind of chuckled and was taken aback.  I replied with yes, because I have nothing to go on.  The talk went on for about 30 minutes.  He said he doesn't know what he wants, that he loves me and cares about me, but doesn't know if he can do it all again.  He is afraid things wont change ect. ect. ect.  I had lots of replies, all calm mind you.  I didn't cry once, I didn't freak out, I just listened and said what I wanted to say.  I asked him one important thing and that was if he thought I was worth it, and he said worth has nothing to do with it.

I find that statement quite interesting, because everything has a value.  If you value something and it is worth a lot to you, then you want to keep it, you want to keep it nice and safe and beautiful. Yet, he says it has nothing to do with value or worth.  He says it has nothing to do with love either.  This is were the Tonster gets confused, because in my land, it has everything to do with all of those things.  I am beginning to think he is very lazy.  He doesn't know if he wants to "get into all of that" again.  Hmmmm? all of that? explained by him to me as the good and the bad.  Yeah, my head was spinning too.

Bottom line is, is that I didn't get what I expected.  I didn't get any of that.  In fact I am a bit bothered that he gave me any hope at all.  I was not prepared for that.  I was really prepared for this to finally be over.  Mind you, I really don't want it to be over, and to be honest, if he showed up on the doorstep tonight, I would take him back in a second.  I want to see if our relationship would work with me in a better, stronger state of mind again.  However, I do NOT want this roller coaster of limbo anymore.  I am spinning my wheels, and I need to either work it out or move on.  How long is this really supposed to go on?  I guess I am the only one who can truly answer that question.  I am sure I will let go on as long as I deem necessary.  The thing about him though, is that after a conversation like that where there was hope, it wouldn't surprise me if the ass jack showed up tomorrow with a U-Haul because that is how he rolls.

I do feel good about how I handled it.  I feel good for being kind and calm and assertive.  That is the giant leap for Toni.  I didn't fall apart, and I don't feel like I am falling into a tailspin.  Small steps sometimes turn into fast sprints!

Letter to my 17 year old self

(After my 17 again post, one of my followers suggested I write a letter to my 17 year old self.  I thought this was a great idea and I feel pretty good doing so, so y'all should give it a try!  Thanks Olivia for the suggestion)

Dear 17 year old Toni,

This letter comes from my heart and is written with nothing but love in mind.  I have been watching you a lot lately and I see things clearly for you.  I see you are suddenly in so much pain and are acting out in destructive ways.  I know all of your secrets and I know everything that you have done up to this point.  I see you crying in your bed at night, and smiling during the day.  I see you trying to cultivate a certain image so no one you know can see your pain. I see everything clearly that you cannot. 

You are taking us down a road that we shouldn't go.  You need to change directions.  It's not to late to turn around.  Don't worry about your home life right now, I know that in a sense it seems great because you have no adults around hassling you and you have all of the freedom that a 17 year old girl could want, but I know what that is doing to you.  It's not your fault about the adults in your life either, they have their own issues to work out, you just happen to be stuck on their soul journey right now, but it wont be like that forever so try to be understanding.

That guy, get rid of him, stop seeing him right away, and in fact, don't get involved with the next one either, he is a real piece of work.  You have to ask yourself what really does a 27 year old MAN want with a 17 year old girl.  He is going to approach you very soon, and yes I know he is super hot and he can buy beer, but run Toni...RUN THE OTHER WAY.  That is a pivotal kernel of advice, I can't tell you if that one moment will change the rest of your life,  but it just might.  You are only 17, you don't need to be dealing with his emotional bullshit because you are not yet equipped with the tools to handle that. 

Stop skipping school so much too, maybe it would be easier to get up in the morning if you stopped staying out so late.  You will have plenty of time to have fun later.  Right now is time to take care of business.  You are an A student with a rich future ahead of you if you would stop squandering it all away.

I know its loads of fun right now, but I bet if you think about it hard, you aren't having that much fun at all.  I bet you are full of anxiety and you know the clock is ticking.  I bet you know everything you are doing isn't really what you want to do at all.  I don't know why you are doing it, but hopefully by my next letter I will know the answers and be able to tell you why.

Just so you know, nobody is coming to rescue you, so you have to do it by yourself.  Stop acting as if nothing bothers you and that everything that is happening is okay.  That attitude will get you no where.  Rock the boat goddamn it..Rock it hard.  Who cares what anyone says, they don't care about you so why should you care about them.  This is about you Toni, and you need to start standing up for yourself!  You act so cool and so nonchalant all of the time, I bet most people never even know what you are feeling.  If they don't know, then maybe they can't understand what they are doing to you.  You are teaching people how to treat you and they are learning the wrong way to do so.  Trust me my dear, you have to change this now or your life is going to be a continuation of this pattern.  The moment you stand up for yourself, you will feel so much better, even if it doesn't have the outcome you want, you will feel good and that is all that truly matters in life.

Stop worrying about how others will see you, just be proud of what you see.  If others don't dig it, they weren't worth your time.

This is all for now.  I will right again and you and I will work all this out together! 

Remember I love you and you have so much light and sparkle in your eyes and you can be anyone you want to be.

With all of the love and respect in my heart,

The 32 year old Toni

17 Again

I wish I could re-visit every significant event in my life.  There are events that have always been big and that have influenced my life and then there are events that as your life progresses, you realize where huge and effected me in a much deeper way than I ever imagined.  I want to go back in time and see everything that I didn't see before.  I want to see where I made the wrong turn, and I want to go in the other direction.  I know that a chain of events led me to this place right now.  I am broken down, have lost all of my self worth and have become extremely unsure of myself that I have a hard time even making a small decision.  I am realizing that it wasn't just this one event that did this to me, it was just the straw that broke the camels back.  I believe that where I am right now, has been an event in the making for several years.  I think this all started when I was 17. 

When I was 17 my life was weird.  It wasn't the life of a normal teenager.  I had way to much freedom and not enough guidance because I thought that I knew it all.  I was basically living on my own and spent my time drinking beer and chasing boys.  I loved boys!! (okay still do) I loved having the freedom of an adult and I loved being able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted to do it, the only problem with all of this is that no matter how "mature" I actually was, I DID not have the mental capacity to handle that kind of freedom.

Looking back, I think I suffered from some low self esteem.  Every teenage girl feels that way, but mine came out in destructive ways.  I like older boys...in fact my prom date was so much older than I was, he already had an ex-wife under his belt...but he could buy beer, so I overlooked that small detail. :)

I noticed lately that I have been unable to stand up for myself with people that have wronged me or not treated me with basic human respect.  I have figured out that this started at the age of 17.  I started to become very unsure of myself at 17.  I grew out of it for awhile but now at 32, I am just as unsure as I was at 17. 

17 was a good year for me.  I had the body I wanted, I had the car I wanted, I had the lifestyle I wanted, I had tons of friends and I had boys chasing me like crazy, however towards the end of that year, I began to change.  I "dated" a guy that I really liked, he was older of course and there wasn't anything about him that I didn't like.  However, for some reason, I just didn't pursue it to get it to the serious level I wanted.  I didn't rock the boat (the theme that has followed..I mean haunted my whole life).  I never pressured him and to be honest, I was actually quite nonchalant about the whole thing.  I never told him what I wanted and now I look back at that as a horrible decision.  I look back at that as a defining decision.  I just let him go and moved on to one terrible relationship after another, never rocking the boat and in turn, never getting what I truly want.  I don't know why I look at this event as so significant, but it just feels like it is.  Something inside me told me I wasn't worthy of him so I didn't even try.  I don't know (as of yet) what got inside of me and stole my self worth, but I would sure like to find out. 

I realized today that self worth is the issue.  It's the issue that is destroying my life.  Why don't I feel worthy?  I have no idea.  Logically I can say that I am worthy of good things, and good people, yet somewhere, embedded deep in my consciousness is this voice telling me I am not worthy and I just don't understand it. 

I want to go back and kick that 17 year old into shape.  I want to tell her so many things and save her from so much grief.  If only my flex capacitor wasn't broken, and if only I had a supply of plutonium, I could jump in my Delorian and go back and whip that girl into shape.

Today I began to Cry

...and then I stopped.  I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  I made some wonderful coffee enjoyed the quiet of the morning and decided it was time to take the doggie for a walk.  The sunshine was beautiful and we went for an extra long stroll.  These are a few things that I am discovering really do make me happy.  My body is starting to feel better so that is a good start considering it is the gateway to my mind.

I haven't contacted "him" since Wednesday when he told me to stop texting.  It actually has been easy not to contact him (for the time being) however I can't stop thinking about him.  I am having a lot of mixed feelings and emotions about him and I am trying my best to decipher them all.  I can tell you that I am beginning to get very angry about the whole situation.  I originally took the blame for the fall apart, but I do know deep down that it is not all of my fault.  Sure, I have plenty of issues that I need to work through and figure out and I am deeply aware of most of them, but I am not the cause of everything that has happened.

I am just confused at myself at this point, because as I think about him, I think about the negative things about him and our relationship.  I do believe we can save it, but only if we are both willing to take the steps to do so, however it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies.  I could tell you a thousand reasons why I should just pack it.  I should just tell him to come get his stuff and get out of life and he can have all the time apart he needs, but something keeps stopping me.  I try to dissect it all.  Is it really him that I am mourning or is it the fact I am 32 and don't want to start over AGAIN?  There questions, I feel need a lot of thought and answers before I make a decision.  I don't want him back for any reason but love.  I don't want to hold onto something if i am just scared. 

So how do I find the answers to these questions?  I am very afraid of my own brain and my heart.  I am afraid that it will give me the wrong answers for the wrong reasons.  I want to gain the clarity of mind that I need to see this whole situation clearly.

I was sitting on the porch thinking of these very things.  The very things about our relationship that upset me and that made me happy.  I thought about never seeing him pull into the driveway again and I began to cry.  The tears just rolled down my face.  I grabbed the yoga mat and started up and the tears dried up.  I guess I am beginning to change because usually I would just cry and cry and cry, but today I replaced it with a healthy behavior and I am proud of myself.  I know it sounds small and not like much of a milestone, but for me, it was huge and my hope is that I am on my way to handling my emotions in a more effective way.

I still hurt, everyday I hurt.  I feel frustrated and defeated a lot of the time, but I keep plugging along hoping that it will start to sink in and become a natural way of life.  I just hope I truly am on he right track to something fantastic, whatever that may be.

The sun always rises

No matter what happens in your life, the sun always rises.  You get up and you try to just live.  You tell yourself to breath in and out and you work to move within the flow of the universe.  Life is happening right now, and that is what I want to experience.

Today has started out okay.  The sun rose in the massive sky and I had no problems getting out of bed.  Yesterday started good and in the middle it has horrible and by the end it was fine again, just the flux and flow of all things I guess.  I have high hopes for today.  I have walked the dog while enjoying the sun shine in my face, listening to great music.  I have read, I have drank my protein juice and I have tried opening the body through yoga.  I look forward to therapy and acupuncture today.  I am hoping through these things I will start to find the balance I so desperately seek.  Everyday I struggle to change my attitude and my personal philosophy.  I want to ease the pain of my soul by re-wiring my mind and body. 

I want to find the motivation and the ambition that I know once lived inside of me.  I don't want to have to force all of the things that I have been doing, I want them to just come naturally.  I want them to be as easy as breathing in and out.

Everything that is happening to me right now is the best possible thing that could happen.  That is the mantra that I keep telling myself.  I want to believe with my whole entire heart and mind that, that is exactly what is true.  I want to fully believe the truth in the mantra and be able to thank the universe for all that has happened, but because negative thoughts and behaviors are so deeply ingrained, it is just hard to utter the thank yous just yet.

The sun will set tonight, just like it always does, I will continue to breath in and out and in the perfection of universal law, it will rise again tomorrow and I will be one step closer to being the person that I strive to be.

Ramble ramble ramble

Today was a day of peaks and valleys.  I woke up this morning feeling very good.  I was refreshed and I felt as if I could conquer the day.  This afternoon, I seemed to be able to manifest one of the things I truly wanted and I was feeling excited for tomorrow.  Then I slid down the peak and hit the valley and hit it hard. 

I sent my estranged boyfriend a couple of texts, just letting him know what I am doing to find the right track that I need to be on.  I also threw in a couple telling him I wanted him to come home.  I didn't expect him to say anything let alone anything negative.  He sent a text telling me to stop texting him and I have to say that devastated me.  I fell apart, balling uncontrollably.  Obviously this is a sign that I am way to wrapped up in this guy.  The way I felt earlier today shouldn't have been able to be shattered so easily with if broken down is a pretty harmless text message, but it was.  He hasn't responded to me in two weeks and I guess I was just shocked that when he finally did, he was just very cold.

I know that I would be able to handle this a lot better if I wasn't in limbo.  Limbo isn't a fun place for me, even though I am able to live in the gray area of things.  I know that I want answers, but I know myself well enough that I am not ready for the big answer.  I am not ready for him to tell me that it is over. 

I guess my challenge to myself is to really give him what he wants.  So far, I have failed and I have sent him little texts and I need to stop.  I believe in setting lofty goals, so my goal starting right now is not to contact him for two weeks.  I am going to rogue for two weeks.  I vow not to text him or contact him in anyway.  There is a part of me that wants to just tell him to shove the whole thing and get here and pack his shit up and move it down the road, but I hate making big decisions under any kind of emotional duress.  So for now, I will start with the no text rule.  I hope I make it the two weeks, but I will be really satisfied with one week.  Maybe I will gain some clarity on the whole situation.  Maybe I will see it for what it really is and maybe I will see him for who he really is whether that be good or bad.

This little posting feels like a ramble, but this is all part of the plan.  I have promised myself that I feel what I feel when I feel it and not deny it.  In that I hope that I will get a handle on the addictive behavior as well as find some mental clarity about my relationship.

All I can do right now is try and climb back up to the peak and try and stay there for a bit.  I want to stay excited about tomorrow when I start therapy and acupuncture.  I want to stay on the right track with my diet and exercise and I just have to make myself stay there.  I guess the only person that can derail my plan right now is me and I just hope that I don't get in the way of myself once again.

Fake it until you make it?

Making over your life isn't an easy endeavor especially when you are lacking motivation and ambition.  My brain tells me everyday what I need to do and how I need to do it, but my heart and body seem to be on strike.  I guess they have tired of the tyrannical ways of the brain and have concocted a mutiny.

It has been thirteen days since I received the "time apart" text from my live in boyfriend, and I have to say that I am still pretty miserable.  I am not sure what I am really miserable about though.  I almost think that even though he had some pretty harsh words to say to me, I think he may be right about most things.  I know that I need to change my ways and exterminate the demons that inhabit my soul.  I know I need these changes for myself and not for him.  I guess what bothers me most, is that he doesn't believe in me at all and that my friends, is a hard pill to swallow.

I am making small changes day by day, trying to fake my heart and body into feeling good again.  Hoping that each little thing I do will put me one step closer to true healing.

First thing that really needs some fixin is the addictive behavior of gambling.  I know that if I didn't have this issue, then most things would be okay and I probably wouldn't be in this predicament.  I am doing a lot of things to try and discover what the root of this issue is and nothing has really clicked yet.  I know that I have to give it some time, but patience is definitely not one of my virtues.  I also need to get physically healthy again.  For the last three months, I have been poisoning my body with toxic foods and that has not helped my mind.  The one thing my estranged boyfriend doesn't understand about me is my mind, body connection.  He doesn't have the capacity to understand that what I put into my body and how I use my body effects my mind.  It effects my mood and my clarity of thought, so it is imperative to my well being that I take care of it. 

I read my books, I make my lists and I am trying to clean out the cobwebs in my mind.  Everyday I do yoga and I try to meditate (which has not been easy).  I walk the dog (the dog walks me) and I drink protein juice and eat raw foods, yet nothing is starting to ease.  I am still not feeling any bit of relief and I must admit that is frustrating.  With each passing day, instead of getting better, I feel myself getting worse.  I feel frustration settling in and  what little motivation I did have moving out which of course makes me sad and angry.

I must be lacking something and I don't know what that is.  What I do know is that I don't want him to be right.  I don't want him to have the satisfaction that he knew something I didn't.  I want to stay on this journey until I get it figured out for myself. 

Maybe that is motivation enough, proving the one who broke your heart completely wrong.  I guess if I hold on to that maybe I will get to where I need to go.

I just want to smile again, without having to fake it

Underlying causes of Addiction

What makes a person fall into the depths of addiction and depression?  Everyone has problems, and everyone has issues but where one person can deal with things in a positive effective way, another becomes embroiled in a cycle of un-healthy behaviors. 

Addiction is just a symptom of a larger problem.  It's just a sneeze letting you know you have a cold.  I believe that once you find out what the true root of the problem is, you can cure any addiction or addictive behavior.  The only problem is, is that roots sprout trees which sprout limbs which sprout leaves.  I seem to be growing a forest.

I used to think that I dealt with things in a healthy way, but looking back, I have never dealt with things.  I suppress most of what I feel and I ignore the rest.  I talk about my feelings but I don't think I ever really say what is really there.  I think deep down inside myself I know what the issues are, but I don't know what is stopping me from dealing with them.

Any kind of addiction changes the dynamic of a family.  Love and affection is replaced with fear and anxiety.  Everyone treats you differently.  They walk on egg shells, they fear your relapses and they, along with you, feel lost in the addiction or behavior.  Negative patterns start to develop and they become the norm.  Denial is rampant.  Your family members want you to get back to the person you once were, yet you have no idea who that person even is. 

I know that I fear the change, even the change for the better.  I fear that without the monkey on my back I will be lonely.  I fear that if I do figure out what the issue is and fix the addictive behavior that I will still be magnificently un-happy.  I fear that I will be un-interesting without the suffering.  I fear that its not the addiction that has made me this way and if I still fail without the problem, then it was me all along.  I wonder if fears can create addictive behavior?  What if I was so afraid of rejection and failure that my sub-conscious created an addictive behavior to always have an excuse for my failures?  Is that what you call a light bulb moment?  I don't know if that is the case, but it sure is something to look into.

I do know this, I will never be able to have any success with this looming over me.  My relationships will fail, I will fail within my family and I will fail at anything that I partake in.  I just hope everyday that is just part of my soul journey and that something fantastic will come out of it someday.  I truly hope that this struggle wont be in vain.

I think it all begins with honesty.  Honesty with your own heart and soul and letting yourself listen to the hard stuff that your soul tells you.  Listening you the truth that your heart tells you is the hardest truth to hear.

Zen and the art of happiness

Books books and more books.  I am surrounded by books.  I am devouring them like a fat kids devours cake.  I am hoping to find one kernel of wisdom that will make all of this pain go away.  I am naturally drawn to the metaphysical and the eastern philosophy and I believe deep down in my heart that that is the way for me.

I am reading Zen and the Art of Happiness by Chris Prentiss and I have to say, it truly is brilliant and so is he and his concepts are so easy yet so very difficult.  When reading such books, you tend to start to realize just how embedded some behaviors are in you.  This book tells you if you want to be happy, just be happy.  I have to say, on the surface I believe that but deep down, it just seems so hopeless.  I am plagued by negative thoughts.  Thoughts of destruction, thoughts of how I have hurt those close to me, memories of the good times that feel like they are gone forever.  I feel emptiness and I feel that I will never experience happiness again. Yet from the bottom of my heart, I just want to be happy. 

I understand that the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow but life is happening right now.  Zen truly is living right now.  We can only really enjoy life and be happy if we burn ourselves out in the moment that is happening right now.  I carry this baggage of the past and I know that is what is making me miserable.  Bags of regret and bags full of mistakes and bags of anger and hurt.  I want to be able just to throw them in the lake and be rid of them forever.  No wonder I am so un-happy, my arms are so full that I don't have the strength to carry bags of happiness.

Each day that passes, I have a hope that things will get better.  I have a hope that those memories that make me so sad will start to fade away.  I know that I shouldn't hope and I shouldn't try, I should just do.  I should just be happy.  I should know that everything that is happening right now is exactly what is supposed to happen.  The universe is giving me a great gift but I am so clouded by the failure that I can't see that.  My brain knows all of the answers yet my heart doesn't want to hear that. 

I am an emotionally driven person.  I am driven by my heart and soul.  I get lost in myself and my hurts.  I get lost in the hurts I have caused others.  Rarely does brain logic enter into any of my equations.  I bask in the gray areas of life and swim in the expectation.  Nothing ever seems to work out in life how it does in my minds eye.  I have always known that having expectations is what has caused me a lot of pain in my life.  When one has an expectation and it is not meant, disappointed starts to rise.  When I feel disappointed, I feel hurt.  That is no way to live.  I logically know that you should just appreciate every moment for what it is, not what it could be or what it should be, just for what it is.

I am sure that in one of my bags, I am carrying a self worth issue and I am sure that is what is causing me to feel the way I do.  It is a constant fight between my heart and my head.  If I could find away for them to both live harmoniously together, I would be a whole different person.  Its my heart that wants so much and usually beats the crap out of the head.  My heart creates the visions of grandeur all the while my head laughs knowing that my heart will soon be disappointed in the outcome.

I just want to live right now.  I don't want to think of my past and I don't want to dwell on the future.  I want to find a place where I can just surf the energy of now and realize that every moment changes into the now.  I want to believe that the Universe is working for me and that this really is the best possible thing that could have happened.  I want to believe that with my whole heart and my whole head. 

Yearning and wanting is the source of all pain. 

Dealing with turmoil when you are trying to recover

I have to say that dealing with so much trauma when you are trying to recover yourself from the grips of addiction is fucking hard.  All I want to do is run to the casino so I can hide from this pain.  The pain of loss would be a lot easier to deal with if I could partake in my "hobby".  Its been tough, I feel the pull in a major way.  Luckily I know enough to know that I would feel 1000% worse if I were to do that.  I know that is one of the reasons I am here right now, and I just have to keep telling myself that I don't need to cause excess drama and I don't need to continually shoot myself in the foot.  When this is all said and done, I want to at least hold my head up high and know that I didn't grab my crutch again.

I love to gamble.  I love it when I do it, but I hate it when I am done.  I have figured out I am the same way in a relationship as I am in the casino.  I will keep investing in a bad machine just hoping it will finally pay out in a big way.  I just keep at it and I wont walk away.  I just can't walk away.  I love the feeling of being able to get lost.  When my mind is going three hundred miles per hour and I can't handle the thoughts anymore, the casino is the one place I can go that makes me forget everything stressful in my life.  That is the beast in me.  This would all be fine of course if I could just go and spend a couple of bucks and walk away, but like I said, I just can't walk away.  This is a theme in my life and maybe that is why gambling picked me instead of drugs or alcohol.  OMG...I just realized that not being able to walk away is really close to not being able to throw anything away, so lets hope I am not on the road to being a hoarder :)

Maybe that is why I am hurting so bad, because I am actually allowing myself to feel the pain.  I am not trying to hide it nor am I trying suppress it.  I am just feeling it, feeling it with every inch of my being.  I am feeling the walls close in on me and I am feeling the supreme loneliness.  I am feeling everything and maybe that is what I finally need to do.  I just need to feel.  No matter how much I hate it, I just need to sit back and allow myself to feel it.

I really do want to be better.  I want to be the best Toni I can be.  I want to smile without thinking about it and I want to laugh without forcing it.  I want see light at the end of the tunnel and I want to have faith that everything that happens to me is the best possible thing to happen.  I don't want to question the Universal laws and I just want to believe that this is all part of the bigger picture and will all be beneficial on my road to personal development.  I want to heal myself, emotionally and physically.  I want to be a success story instead of a cautionary tale. 

Feeling Hopeless

Day 9 of the so called "time apart" and I am still a mess.  I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and all I want to do is feel better.  I know that a part of me is on the right track.  I am eating well, drinking lots of water and doing yoga.  I am devouring book after book after book yet I really don't know if it is sinking in yet.  I have so much to say, yet it seems if I have no one to say it too because the one person I want to listen to me with an open heart, wont even come near me. 

I am sad and I am angry and I am frustrated.  I want this dire, sinking feeling to just go away but I know that somehow I am perpetuating it.  I wish I could express my anger, but I have never been the type.  It is difficult for me to even raise my voice.  I want to scream and cry and throw a toddler fit with adult size attitude.  I want him to see what is happening and feel deeply the hurt that I am feeling.

I try to find the motivation to be happy, but right now that seems almost impossible.  I know that I have to fix myself before I can even begin to fix my relationship, but I just want to know that somewhere down the line he will start to listen. 

I read these books all based in the metaphysical and they say just be happy.  And oh I wish it were that simple for me.  I do want to be happy, I just want to be and not have to work at it.  I hate that it seems like for me, happiness is something that has to be achieved instead of just being. 

I have done a lot of reading lately on happiness and depression and how the body and mind connection work so closely together.  I have been reading that if the mind thinks depressing thoughts, then  you grow new cells with more receptors that respond to sadness rather then happiness so your body becomes more depressed and you become almost addicted to depression and sadness and vice versa with the happiness.  I want to believe in universal law that says that everything that happens to you is the best possible thing that can happen to you.  I know deep down that is probably true, but the worst thing is happening to cloud my eyes from truly seeing that and that is my ego. 

I am honestly afraid that I am addicted to the depression.  I don't want to be.  I tell myself my affirmations.  I try to think of something positive and I try to see all of the good that could come out of what has happened.  It just seems like those thoughts and feelings of failure and loss keep creeping in my consciousness until I am crying like a third grade school girl.

I am hoping that something will start to kick in soon.  That the nutrition will help build newer, healthier cells, that the meditation will take me to another plane, and that the yoga will help relax me and my thoughts. 

I am trying to make lists, trying to figure out everything that I want and that I need.  I am trying to figure out if he really is the right one for me and what I truly love about him.  I am trying to figure out my addiction and what the underlying cause really is.  I am trying to figure out why I took all of the blame and let him off Scott free even when I know its not all of my fault. 

I know tomorrow is a new day and maybe I will be on step closer to feeling a bit happier and a bit more at peace with the situation.  I will have made it another day without contacting him.  Feels like I am going through detox at a rehab program, the withdrawals are starting to kill me.

Getting in the way of my self

Here I am, on my couch surrounded by self help books, hoping that one of them contains the one key piece of advice that will save my struggling relationship but they all seem to say the same things, things that I already know, but yet cannot put into practice.

I am a fixer. If something is broken, I want to put whatever tool I have to it and fix it. I don't believe in my soul that I can just sit idly by and do nothing when something in my life is broken. I want to do whatever it takes to make things right again, especially if I feel that I have made it wrong.

If you have read any of my previous posts, you basically have a general idea what is going on. My relationship is in turmoil and I have no idea if I will be able to save it. I want to fix myself and then I want to fix the relationship. I know what it will take to do so, but execution is another story.

Today I thought it was time for the big gesture. It had been a week since I have spoken with my estranged boyfriend and even though I hadn't contacted him much, the things I did text went un-answered. Silence is the hardest thing for me yet I know that it would be easier if I could work on mastering it. I find difficulty in just letting things go which is both a strength and a weakness. It is all about knowing your audience, and that is where my skill is not as polished as it should be.

He has been away staying with his mom about three hours away and although I knew he would be town this weekend, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had thought long and hard about why things have gone the way that they have, and I came to the conclusion that I spent so much time asking him to see things through my eyes, that I never gave him that in return. I really never looked at things from his perspective and this morning I saw it all and I was heartbroken. I felt terrible for what I saw. I am ashamed of some of the things I have done and some of the ways that I have treated him. I knew that moment, that I needed to see him right away. I thought about every consequence that could come from me going to see him. I knew that I wouldn't get the romantic reaction that every woman hopes for, but I actually thought he might appreciate where I was coming from, boy was I WRONG.

Luckily, I didn't have to drive the whole three hours. About an hour into the drive, I passed him on the highway. I frantically looked for somewhere to turn around and I pumped my brakes like crazy hoping that he would see me in his rearview. I fumbled for phone and dialed the number hoping that the cell service would hold on for just a minute...and of course no answer. I flipped around in a pretty dangerous place hoping to catch him on this extremely windy road. I finally caught him and he pulled over. I was nervous, yet prepared and working very hard to control my emotion which is usually soggy to say the least.

He got out of his truck and he was not even for a moment happy to see me. He was angry that I wasn't respecting his wishes for time apart. He told me I have no business coming to see him, which in turn cut me like a knife.

Last week, he just cut of communication so I feel he did not respect my wishes either. I said what I wanted to say and of course he didn't believe me. He is convinced I will say anything to get him back, yet wont show the action when he comes back. He believes at his core that no one can change and I believe the opposite. I think if you change for someone else, it wont work, but if you change for yourself then success is eminent.

He went on to tell me that he doesn't believe relationships are work and that if you are with the right person, there aren't any struggles. We disagree fully on this point. Even the people who do feel like they found the one will tell you, you have to work on it everyday and that it is hard work. I took that to mean that he doesn't believe I am the right person which he argued right away that is not what he said. I didn't push, since pushing is some of what got me into this mess in the first place.

I was hoping for some kind of resolution from this meeting. But all I got was more limbo. I told him I wanted to make sure we were heading towards reconciliation but he couldn't tell me that either. He was cold. I tried to be warm. I was prepared for this, but it still hurts. I really don't know what to do. I want to try again, yet you can't make someone else want the same things. He told me that he hasn't felt any stress the week we have been apart and I have to admit that was a stinger. Of course he has no stress, he put it all on me. He is the one that felt so stressed and he left so of course he feels no pressure or stress.

I am frustrated and I am angry and I am sad. I want to be better, better for myself and better for him.

I have to prepare myself for the worst I feel. Nothing I said to him today made any impact. I haven't heard a word from him. I guess I just have to feel good about what I have done. This is so hard because I am incapable of playing games. I just want to be straight out and honest about how I feel but that is part of what has gotten me into this mess too.

So day one (kind of) of my new one year plan to find the better Toni. I am going to launch an industrious plan that is going to be full of hard work and I am sure I am going to trip all of the time, but I would rather trip and skin my knee then not try at all.

Things like this just don't work out for girls like me.

Lost yet trying to be found

Wow, what a month. If I could use one word to describe the last month, I would say devastating would sum it all up. Even before August 17th, things weren't that great, but things were still manageable. The old adage "when it rains it pours" definitely rings true when it comes to the events of the last month.

Let's travel back to May 15th, when I really started to see the downward spiral of things. It wasn't noticeable at first, just a little nagging that something wasn't right. I had been a victim of the economic downturn, and had been un-employed for 18 months, and in that dark time, I met a wonderful man who I fell in love with. We were both in un-healthy states of mind when we met, but like most people, we felt we loved each other to make it through anything as long as we were together. After spending a lot of time with him, probably to much time, I thought it was time to get back to work. I felt that if I felt productive again, everything would change for the best. I took a job that I thought I would like and I thought I would be good at, but after the first day, I just knew it wasn't right. I felt stifled just sitting in the building. I don't feel good when I am there at all. This new job started making me miserable day after day. I felt like I was sinking into a hole of despair, because I couldn't get over that I should like it, I should succeed at it and I should be able to suck it up and deal with it and be a friggin adult about it. I didn't want my guy to think I was a loser by just quitting, because the way things have been in the world, I should just be happy to have a job, which I am not.
So...I felt cloaked in failure everyday that I went to work. I didn't feel good about myself, I wasn't taking care of myself. I was poisoning my body with soda and junk food, not sleeping and putting on weight at a rapid pace. I was drowning.

It is almost impossible to not let these things leak into other areas of your life. When you feel sick, everyone around you is affected. When you are miserable and can't find happiness within yourself, you look to your partner to provide it for you, and of course you set them up for failure and push them away which in turn makes you even more miserable.

My relationship was hard. I know there was a lot of love between us, but nothing else was clicking and I couldn't see past my own misery to see that I was making him just as miserable. I was failing miserably as a girlfriend.

Things really started crumbling on August 17th. I was sitting at work and my cell phone rang. Bad news was calling. My mothers long time companion Jim, died suddenly. This man, whom I had grown up with since I was six years old was gone. He was a fixture in my life and my moms. Jim and I had a very complex, complicated relationship which was comprised of anger and negativity. However, I had fun with him too. I have good memories, I have horrible memories but bottom line is, is that he was a constant fixture in my life. I never was able to heal the hurts or to say what I wanted to say and now he is gone and he has left us all with incredible feelings of guilt. A death in the family is always difficult to deal with, and when your family is complicated, it is difficult to find where you belong.

We were reeling from Jim's sudden passing and still coming to terms that he wasn't coming down the steps for dinner. I was trying to find some kind of peace and trying to make things better at work and in my relationship, but none of it was working. Two weeks later, on a Friday afternoon, I was again, sitting at work going through the motions when my cell phone rang. Bad news decided to call again. My mom's father, my beloved grandpa passed away. OMG I thought..can't we just have a little break? My grandpa had suffered and he was tired and ready to go, and logically, we all knew it was the best thing, but we just thought the timing was terrible. In two weeks, my "step-dad" died and my grandpa died. Things were getting harder to say the least. Another event that fueled my depression and self-loathing. I looked into my relationship for comfort but couldn't find it. I am not sure if it really wasn't there or if I just couldn't see it or appreciate it. I felt it coming, I felt it crumbling so I tried so hard to hold onto it. Begging and pleading, crying, screaming for understanding and comfort, that I lost it all. I wanted all of those things, but I couldn't see clearly to what all of this misery was doing to me. Not just the misery of death, but the misery of losing yourself as well. I let myself swim in the misery that had become me. And of course the consequences were about to rear their ugly head.

13 days after my Grandpa and exactly one month after Jim, my relationship fell apart. I made him hate love he said to me via text. He told me he needed time apart which with the way things are going means he is done. Sure, I did what you do when that happens. I begged, I pleaded, I promised, I cried and nothing worked. He was fed up with my misery. I don't what time apart means and I don't know how to handle it. I am fixer by nature and I know that at the core I always thought we had something real and when you have something real, it can be fixed. I haven't spoken to him since he left. I don't know what any of this means but I have to deal with it.

So here I am, cloaked in misery, swimming in despair and figuring out how to forge on through this time. I know that I want to make it work and I want the chance to show him I can be me again, the happy me and caring me, but I feel like I will never get that chance. I do know that right now I have to fix myself, not my relationship. I think that if I heal my own hurts, and face my own resentments that maybe the side effect will be reconciliation with my love.

I have concocted a plan, a win win you could say. Heal myself and no matter what happens, I will be okay. If he decides to really leave forever, at least I will be of healthy body and spirit and I will be able to handle it gracefully and if he decides that I am worth it, then I will be in a healthy body and mind to be happy again and to make him happy again.

So here is what I am going to do...I am going to write about my plans, my goals, my failures, my setbacks. I am going to chronicle what is working and what is not. I am going to detox my body from the poison that I have been consuming, I am going to clear my mind of negative self talk. I am going to cherish my temple, find my exercise and yoga again. I am going to center myself and find myself again and who I want to be. I know it's going to be hard, and I know it's not going to be easy. I am going to face the hard stuff, I am going to open up those locked doors inside my mind. I am going to kick the ass of the self saboteur that lives inside my head.

I really want the best outcome, I want the chance to be the best Toni I can be and I want him back, yet I know you can't make anyone do what they don't want to do, and he has to be able to live his best life which may be with or without me. Only time will tell!

Wish me luck on this journey, If I could say one positive about the last few months, is that all of the sadness and grief has made me take a real hard look at myself and what I have become.

Stuck in a loop of Perpetual Youth

I am beginning to realize that I am completely ill-equipped for adult hood. I am 32 years old and in-capable of handling adult responsibility. Sure, it looks good on the outside, most people wouldn't never guess this about me, but sadly its true.

I think that when you graduate high school, it's like being at the starting line of a marathon. You are all lined up ready to go just waiting to hear the blast of the starting gun. Unfortunately, I must have had my headphones in or something, because I missed it. At 32, I am still standing at the beginning contemplating if I should just sit out…or run like hell to catch up.

I have always been able to live my life in a loop of perpetual youth. I have never really had anything forcing me to grow up. I think some people are naturally responsible, and others only become responsible when forced too. Having children of your own is one of the best motivators to grow up since your life is no longer your own and you are responsible for another life being able to flourish. There is really nothing in my life that forces me to grow up. Yes, I have bills, but big deal, that is about it. I am still able to listen to loud rock and roll, watch MTV and party all night if I choose too.

There are definite advantages to not being a grown up. There is a real freedom in it. I can do what I choose when I choose to do it. I don't have anyone to answer to and really don't have to explain myself.
But of course with freedom and advantages comes the down side. Without any responsibility, I have nothing to center myself. Nothing to keep me on the right track and nothing to really motivate me to run and catch up. Maybe responsibility is just fear in disguise. We fear being alone, we fear not being able to make a living and we fear that we wont be productive and prosperous. I have these fears, but having these fears coupled with a laid back attitude, doesn't make for the most motivated person. I have ambition, and I have goals, but I lack the commitment in reaching those goals. My immature attitude of just hoping everything will fall into my lap is starting to wear itself out. Nothing ever seems to just fall into place, and in my life's experience I know that not much comes easy to me but I have been on this road for so long, that I really have no idea how to make things happen. My fear of rejection has outweighed my thirst for success for so long now that my mouth is dry. I am much for comfortable just existing instead of living.

I struggle with being a responsible adult and growing up. I mean who really wants to grow up. Being a grown up is really no fun. There has to be a balance however. Being responsible yet still having a good time. I fear being an adult. A stodgy grownup who cares only about stocks and bonds and mortgages and the prime interest rate is what I am scared of. I don't want to sip merlot and talk about kid's soccer games. I want adventure and fun…swilling beer at the beach under the hot sun making out with a hot guy. I want to drive fast cars and listen to loud music not sit and pay bills and watch the nightly news. I want to sample exotic cuisines, not sit down to pot roast and mashed potatoes. However, like every great paradox in life, this really isn't possible without having responsibilities. I am the architect of my own life, and in the planning stages, I missed something. I drew things out and added my luxury suite, pool, and game room, but did not add a foundation. So now this mansion I have built is ready to collapse. The frame could only hold it for so long. I guess it's time to tear it down and start over, paying more attention to the foundation and the infrastructure. As for responsibility, if you break it down, it is just the ability to respond. I have the ability, yet haven't had the drive to do so.

It is time to build lay the foundation and build a new house, one that will survive the elements. I guess I don't need to catch up to my counter parts, maybe just join a new race.

Exposed

You know that scene in Jerry McGuire, where he is in his room and he starts to become enlightened and writes the mission statement? It all seemed like a really good idea at the time, until he arrived in the lobby feeling a bit embarrassed and exposed. That is exactly how I feel at this moment. I exposed this negative thing about myself and now I am feeling an inkling of regret. I guess I am mostly embarrassed that I have aired my dirty laundry in this way. I worry that there will be whispers among my friends and the people that know my family and I. Those are all natural feelings though. Anytime you put yourself out there, you worry about the negative scrutiny. I guess I do have those worries, but there is also a part of me that feels relieved that I have shared this part of me. I am hoping that this is the beginning of the process to get this giant gorilla off of my back. We have become great friends, however that bastard sure is heavy.

I am at a point that if I am going to expose my emotional nudity, then I am going to completely strip down and shake it. I have done this to myself, and now I am going to own it. I am going to lay it out there, all that I am feeling during these pivotal moments. So here goes....I WANT TO GAMBLE...even though I don't (If that makes sense)

My demon and I have become pals. My demon is my closest friend. She knows me the best at this point in my life, so there is a part of me that is afraid to let her go. I want to let her go, yet I am still scared. It's funny, I think sometimes we keep doing the same things over and over again even if it is bad for us or un-healthy because we are comfortable with the outcome. We know what is going to happen, and we know how to handle it. I know how to handle all of the shit that comes along with this gorilla and I am scared of the unknown. I know that the unknown has got to be better then what I do know but that doesn't subside the fear in my soul.

I am afraid I wont be interesting anymore. I guess it is some sick thought that the creative mind is always a tortured soul, so if I am no longer tortured, will I still have this depth and creativity? I hope so.

Is this why we hang onto our addictions? Because we are afraid of what we will be without it? I am just afraid of the work I guess. My thoughts have been so consumed with gambling for so long, I don't know what I will think about when thats gone. What If I am completely un-interesting? What If I totally lame? Oh wait, this is me we are talking about..that just couldn't happen ;)

The greek say "if you are going to suffer, suffer magnificently" and I think I have done that...To bad I am not greek.

The Confession

Okay, so here I go...for the first time I am willing to make my very private struggle into a very public journey. I honestly feel like I am stepping foot onto a nude beach and dropping my robe for the first time. I don't like to be naked, not physically nor mentally and emotionally, however I feel like I can't carry this burden alone any longer and that maybe by talking about it, I will have some magnificent cathartic experience. So here goes...

My name is Toni and I am a compulsive gambler. Whew..that was tough to write...It seemed as if it took an hour for my fingers to type those words. Sure, there are a few of you out there who know I have a gambling problem..but being a compulsive gambler is a whole other ball of very expensive wax.

I have been a compulsive gambler for about ten years. I have had times of great control and times of being extremely out of control. I have gambled in the casinos and I have gambled online. I cannot begin to imagine how much I have actually lost, but I am sure I could have paid cash for a fantastic house by now.

It really is embarrassing to admit that I have lost control of my own life, but I have and its nuts. I mean don't get me wrong, being a little out of control is part of who I am, but this is way out of control..this equates to jumping into my car hopped up on heroin and cough syrup and driving 150 MPH on the wrong side of road.

I have done a lot of things I am not proud of to feed my addiction and my family has taken the biggest brunt of it. I sometimes feel like I am two separate people and I am leading a double life. I think I understand how those men feel that have two completely different families and O.M.G it is exhausting. It is so exhausting to pretend to be normal and together when I am completely un-glued.

My whole life revolves around gambling. It is all I think about. When I close my eyes, I actually see the slot machine reels going around and around. That is F-ing insane. I don't spend money like a normal person. Every financial decision I make is based on gambling. I mean damn..If I spend money on groceries then that takes away from my gambling cash..and we just can't have that. You would think if I would be 120 pounds, however, the "casino diet" hasn't really helped in my weight loss goals even though I can't afford to eat :). I honestly spend as little money as possible on the day to day things that I need so I have more gambling money..My God..that is fuckered up.

It has always been hard for me to admit that this is an addiction. I have always thought you could only be addicted to something chemical and if it wasn't chemical then it should be easy to beat. Boy howdy, how wrong I am about that. This thing I have does something very chemical to my brain. I relish in the high and I suffer in the low and I deal with the with drawl. I get cranky and feel out of sorts until I am able to gamble again.

When I drive to the casino, I feel so anxious and excited. I know I am getting close and my heart begins to pump a bit faster. It seems like I can't walk into the place quick enough and then I am finally there. I let out that long breath of relief like I am home (How sick is that). I feel the same way when I go to the store to purchase a gift card visa to gamble online. It is so funny, because I do feel like one of those suburban housewife soccer mom addicts, the ones who want know one to know their secret, so I go to different stores to purchase my gift cards, thinking all of the time that they are on to me.

I do love to gamble. Yes I do. I love the excitement of placing bigger and bigger bets. I love to spin the reel and chatter to the machine. I love the winning, but I love the losing even more (I will elucidate that point later). I just love the risk of it all. However, in waiting for my "big one"..you know the one..the BIG ONE that is going to save me and my entire family from financial peril, I have learned that it doesn't matter if I win it..because I am just going to put it all back.

I once thought that If I won enough (Whatever that phantom number is in my head) I would be able to walk away with the validation that I did it, and that one hit could fix everything. I now know that I could probably win a million dollar jackpot and put it all back in the same night (No, that hasn't happened, so no one has to have a hemorrhage). I guess its that Epiphany that is going to save me though. Because I can't take this life for another day. I am finally fed up with the whole thing. This addiction is making me physically ill. The stress of this double life is manifesting itself in my body. And that is just to much for me to handle. I feel like it is aging me pre-maturely and as many of you know...I am vain as hell and well..we just can't have that.

I have tried to quit before, I have been to therapy, I have been to a spiritual healer, I have tried to control it with diet and exercise and nothing has worked. So I am on to a new option...Hypnosis. Tomorrow I have my first session. I feel like this is my last option and if it doesn't work, I am probably going to have to eat a bullet (Don't call a hot line, I am fine) because I can't take the thoughts in my own head any longer.

I am both nervous and excited for tomorrow. I am open to such things and am not afraid to confront my demons. I do know though, that I am sure I have some locked doors and I am really not sure what is going to be behind them. That is a scary thought. I am sure it isn't a new car or trip to Spain like on the Price is Right. Just some stupid crap that I haven't dealt with.
I guess my gambling problem is like a screaming kid who is rubbing his own poop on the wall because he is not getting enough attention. I have some shit behind some stupid door that is screaming for some attention and I guess the gambling is like the poop being rubbed on the wall.

So here goes..tomorrow is the first step towards redemption and maybe getting back to who I once was if I can even remember who that is.