Stuck in a loop of Perpetual Youth

I am beginning to realize that I am completely ill-equipped for adult hood. I am 32 years old and in-capable of handling adult responsibility. Sure, it looks good on the outside, most people wouldn't never guess this about me, but sadly its true.

I think that when you graduate high school, it's like being at the starting line of a marathon. You are all lined up ready to go just waiting to hear the blast of the starting gun. Unfortunately, I must have had my headphones in or something, because I missed it. At 32, I am still standing at the beginning contemplating if I should just sit out…or run like hell to catch up.

I have always been able to live my life in a loop of perpetual youth. I have never really had anything forcing me to grow up. I think some people are naturally responsible, and others only become responsible when forced too. Having children of your own is one of the best motivators to grow up since your life is no longer your own and you are responsible for another life being able to flourish. There is really nothing in my life that forces me to grow up. Yes, I have bills, but big deal, that is about it. I am still able to listen to loud rock and roll, watch MTV and party all night if I choose too.

There are definite advantages to not being a grown up. There is a real freedom in it. I can do what I choose when I choose to do it. I don't have anyone to answer to and really don't have to explain myself.
But of course with freedom and advantages comes the down side. Without any responsibility, I have nothing to center myself. Nothing to keep me on the right track and nothing to really motivate me to run and catch up. Maybe responsibility is just fear in disguise. We fear being alone, we fear not being able to make a living and we fear that we wont be productive and prosperous. I have these fears, but having these fears coupled with a laid back attitude, doesn't make for the most motivated person. I have ambition, and I have goals, but I lack the commitment in reaching those goals. My immature attitude of just hoping everything will fall into my lap is starting to wear itself out. Nothing ever seems to just fall into place, and in my life's experience I know that not much comes easy to me but I have been on this road for so long, that I really have no idea how to make things happen. My fear of rejection has outweighed my thirst for success for so long now that my mouth is dry. I am much for comfortable just existing instead of living.

I struggle with being a responsible adult and growing up. I mean who really wants to grow up. Being a grown up is really no fun. There has to be a balance however. Being responsible yet still having a good time. I fear being an adult. A stodgy grownup who cares only about stocks and bonds and mortgages and the prime interest rate is what I am scared of. I don't want to sip merlot and talk about kid's soccer games. I want adventure and fun…swilling beer at the beach under the hot sun making out with a hot guy. I want to drive fast cars and listen to loud music not sit and pay bills and watch the nightly news. I want to sample exotic cuisines, not sit down to pot roast and mashed potatoes. However, like every great paradox in life, this really isn't possible without having responsibilities. I am the architect of my own life, and in the planning stages, I missed something. I drew things out and added my luxury suite, pool, and game room, but did not add a foundation. So now this mansion I have built is ready to collapse. The frame could only hold it for so long. I guess it's time to tear it down and start over, paying more attention to the foundation and the infrastructure. As for responsibility, if you break it down, it is just the ability to respond. I have the ability, yet haven't had the drive to do so.

It is time to build lay the foundation and build a new house, one that will survive the elements. I guess I don't need to catch up to my counter parts, maybe just join a new race.