Essence of Life

One of the definitions of the word essence is "the crucial element, or the most important ingredient"


I have spent an enormous amount of time pondering essence in the previous months. I have examined my own life's essence and questioning if it even exists within me. Can a life even be considered a life if it is void of essence? I believe that if you are missing that one crucial element that brings the whole life together, then it is just a recipe that is not worth cooking or sharing.

If your life were a recipe, what kind of ingredients would be listed? I feel like I have many ingredients listed in the "what you need" section of my recipe, but I have failed in mastering the perfect quantities of each to form a tasty, winning recipe. I have long put the ingredients back in to the cupboard and have forgone searching for my essence. My life's essence seems to be in a state of perpetual postponement, continuing to be an un-used recipe, not yet culminating into a wonderfully, exotic, flavorful and decadent meal worth cooking over and over again.

Maybe with a little more time, I will finally be able to master the recipe, but time along with life is of the essence. Everything linked together, moving fiercely and quickly, I am afraid I will run out of time before I am able to discover my essence. I may have to come to the realization, that the recipe of me, is not worth the page in the ultimate cook book. It is a recipe that is so tasteless, that it should never be repeated. However, with enough tweaking, can a recipe be saved? If I take a little more time in preparation and execution ,paying closer attention to all of the exact measurements of every ingredient, maybe I will be able to salvage it and cook it into something masterful.

 I have always been creative in the kitchen, not paying close attention to detail and just adding a little of this and little of that, and have never gotten bogged down in the details.  My dishes have always been wonderfully delicious and I guess I that is how I have always been in life as well.  However, I have come to realize that cooking in the kitchen of life requires a bit more precision. 

Creature of comfort?

I am self aware.  I am cursed with too much self awareness.  I know I when I am making a mistake, I see when I am doing wrong, and I see everything I need to do to fix it.  However, I don't always do it.  I am learning that I might be a creature of comfort. 

It is amazing that things we do over and over that bring us pain and suffering become comfortable.  I know that is how it is for me.  I have just learned that about myself and I must say, it makes me sick to my stomach that I have become that way.

I am used to the pain and the suffering of my life.  It hurts and I am so tired of crying, yet deep down there is some comfort to it because I know what to expect.  There is no surprises with my life the way that it is now. 

This brings me to the question that has been on my mind for sometime now.  Do we do the same things over and over, even if they are bad for us or bring us pain, because deep down we are comfortable with the results?

I wonder if there is truth to this.  Actually, I don't wonder because I have found this to be true, at least for myself and I see it with the people close to me as well.  I see this same attribute in my friends, and in my intimate relationships. 

I think there is something inside of me that is afraid to change this habit.  I have learned that I am scared of the unknown and that I am worried that I wont be able to handle new outcomes.  I think that the outcomes that I am already "prepared" for throw me for a loop sometimes so what would a new outcome do to me?

I am realizing how much fear I have in my life and deep inside my soul.  I am afraid to fail yet I am afraid to succeed.  I am afraid to experience the new because I don't know what to expect.  I obviously am NOT afraid of heartbreak because I set myself up for that day after day.

For every action, there is a reaction, so if I am comfortable with heartbreak then I must be severely uncomfortable with happiness. 

Ugh...that is quite the revelation.  Damn self awareness f#@ked me again.

Living in a world of distraction

A few months ago, I had a couple in their 80's come into my office.  They were holding hands, and were still genuinely in love.  The had been married for 60 plus years and still were quite vibrant and loving towards one another.  Throughout our conversation, they looked at each other often and smiled.  He gently touched her hand and you could feel the warmth of their love and mutual respect radiate throughout the room.

After they left, I couldn't stop thinking about this couple.  I couldn't help thinking about how love has changed with the generations.  I couldn't help but think with every decade, love and respect between two people deteriorates and relationships don't last. 

I began to wonder if the more technology we develop, the farther we get away from loving and respectful relationships. We have so many distractions in our daily lives and then we have so many "entertainment" distractions as well.  Video games, reality television, texting, Internet, email, chat rooms, social networking sites all take our attention in another direction.  It seems as if we don't have to face the issues with ourselves or with our relationships because we can just drown ourselves with other distractions.

I am guilty of using these distractions.  I think we all are in someway or another.  These distractions however don't "numb" me out.  I don't look at them as a way to truly escape the issues of my life. 

Sometimes I wish I could just turn it all off and go back in time a few months or a few years.  I long for the days without all of these distractions.  I want days where serious conversations take place face to face other than via text messaging. 

With all of these distractions, do we truly have to face what's wrong?

New Day?

I have always lived by the mantra "Every passing minute is just another chance to turn it all around."  I want to live that way and I want to believe that is true.

I know that I am the only one connecting myself to "yesterday".  I am the one who can't seem to stop the chatter in my own head that is taking me back and preventing me from living in this moment right now. 

Today is a new day, but it is difficult not to let yesterday creep in and mess up your positive thinking.  In all of the reading that I have always done on the Zen living, you are just supposed to keep bringing yourself back to "NOW".  It sounds so easy, yet in practice it is much more difficult. 

I don't understand why as people we have a hard time living in the now.  If we lived in the now, we wouldn't feel half of the pain that we feel.  We could just enjoy what is happening without struggling with what is wrong and yearning for what is not.

I don't want to yearn for what is not.  I want to burn myself out in every possible moment and just know that what is happening right now is the best possible thing that could happen.  I want to believe in that with every fiber of my being, but I guess some behaviors are just so deeply embedded that it will take awhile to dig them up and get rid of them.

My goal for today is to just live in today.  Not spend my time worrying about yesterday and not obsessing about tomorrow.  Today, I will just worry about what is happening now.  I will look for my motivation, which has been lost this week and I will do at least one thing that makes me feel good and healthy.

It is a new day, even though previous days seem to be dragging me down, I will enjoy today.  I will sit with my legs crossed and breath deeply in and out finding the zen in my own life.

No More Blogs about "HIM"

Today I think (I hope I can control myself) I wrote my last blog about HIM.  I have come to terms with the fact that he isn't coming back (Yes, I know I have said that before) and I am just ready to move on from this place.

I know that there are still some hard times in my future when it comes to this failure.  I know that he will show up with a U-haul to pack up his stuff and that is going to be a heart wrenching day, but I am going to try my best not to blog about it. 

I want use my head space to get to the heart of the issues that got me to this place right now.  I want to explore what has really made me who I am and why it seems like I am still at the starting line of life.  I want to delve deep inside my vast soul and release the pain I have been holding onto.

Everything that I feel is just a symptom of something bigger and it's time to face the hard truths.  I will heal myself and I will find the light at the end of the tunnel.  I will once again live the big life that I once lived and I will once again find the humor that brought sunshine to the people around me.  I will once again walk on the path to be the best Toni I can be.

I release him and the pain that has been caused by him.  I release the blame that he lay ed on me and I forgive myself for the mistakes that I made.  I accept my sadness and I will begin to release that sadness. However, I have yet to forgive "HIM".  I have a feeling that will be a little farther down the road.

I say goodbye to HIM now and I say Thank you to you all who have supported me on this part of the journey. 

Stay tuned and watch the real work begin!

Poked the Bear

Yesterday was a hard day.  I felt a strong need to contact HIM and I did.  My reason is because I wanted to tell him that I thought he was a runner, and that I couldn't and wouldn't take the blame for everything that has happened.  I really wish that is the way it would have went.  I heard his voice and I just broke down.  I found myself begging him to come back which made me feel like a fool.  I wont bore you with all of the details, but the conversation ended and the texts went on until he once again turned mean and cold.

I cried all day and really just wanted the pain to stop.  I think I was crying mostly because I was so angry with myself.  I just had to poke the bear and I don't even know why.  I did it.  I am the one who contacted him, I am the one who provoked his meanness and  I am the one who just made the whole situation worse.

I can't for the life of me figure out why I did this.  Why did I feel such a need to contact him when deep down I knew this would be the result? 

I know that I am just looking for something to make me feel better.  None of what is happening right now makes any sense to me, and that is what is causing this unexplainable pain in my heart and the emptiness in my soul.  I know that I keep searching for answers hoping that something will click and the pain will disappear.  It's just funny that searching and talking is part of what got me here to begin with.  He hated the talking, and yet I just keep poking the bear.

I do really want to let go and just move on, but I feel like that is impossible right now.  One of the problems is that I have nothing to fill my time right now except my own thoughts.  I want to break free of this self loathing and feel an ounce of happiness again. 

Logically, I know that I am the only one that break these chains, yet they just feel so damn tight. 

Love is a choice

I do believe that love is a choice.  I believe that is why love is so difficult at times.  You choose everyday to love the people around you, even when it's hard.  When we meet new and exciting people that we connect with, we are enveloped in feelings but are any of those feelings really love?  I know that it is passion, lust, excitement and attraction but I don't believe that it is love.

Love is something that you choose to feel and that you choose to convey and that you decide you are going to give. 

I think that when we think of love being a choice, we think of the choice TO love.  Rarely do we make the conscious decision NOT to love someone.  Today, I am making the choice to no longer love HIM.

I feel sad that I lost him, and I know that I have been trying to convince myself that it is HIM that I do miss, but I am slowly beginning to realize that I was just trying to hold on because I didn't want to face another failure.  I believe that my ego has gotten in the way of my rational decision making and my ego has clouded my judgement.  My ego is what is really devastated. 

I try to walk away from HIM everyday, so I can see things more clearly then the day before.  I have to tell myself the hard truths about this relationship, and that isn't always easy.  There isn't anyone hear to watch me lie to myself, so I have come to the conclusion that I shouldn't be lying to myself at all.  I have to tell myself that I was ready to walk away from HIM six months ago.  I was unhappy and miserable six months ago and every time we argued, I would mutter under my breath, "get the fuck out of my house".  One of the hard truths that I have to tell myself, is that one reason I am so devastated by this break up is because I didn't do it.  I didn't take control of the situation along time ago.  That is partly my ego of course but also my emotional being.  I stayed because I didn't want to fail.  I stayed because I was afraid.  And yes, I stayed because I didn't want to start over yet once again.  I stayed for a lot of other reasons that I will discuss in my future blogs.

So yes, love is a choice and so is not to love someone.  Today I choose freedom from love.  I am closing the book on a horrible love story and I am going to prepare myself to write another love story someday.  Today, I choose to let his love go and to let my love go.  I choose to accept what has happened and to accept the real reasons why I am sad.  Today, I choose to walk alone and to get back on the path that leads back to me.

Today is my day.

It's over and that's okay...

It's over.  The relationship I have been struggling with for a month, is over.  Yes, I am sad and heartbroken, but I have to sa,y, I do feel some relief because as I have said before, limbo is not where I like to live. 

This all happened via text (AGAIN) and I had to back him into a corner to get the answer.  I kept asking him a straight question, asked him for a yes or no, and he said EVERYTHING but yes or no.  He said he wasn't in love with me anymore, he said he thought to much time had passed, he said he doesn't think we can make it for the long haul, he said he doesn't think he can let the past go.  I asked him point blankly...DO YOU WANT THIS RELATIONSHIP? and those are all of the answers I got.  I told him I didn't want back him into a tight corner, but that I needed an answer, because this whole situation was ripping me apart and this is what I got "FINE I DON'T THEN."  Wow, I thought to myself, he can't even be a nice guy when it's ending.  I replied with a nice text that explained how I was being ripped apart and that I loved him and the last thing I wanted was to give up on this and can he understand that and he replied with a "Yep" and that was the last thing I have heard from him.

He has broken my heart and that I can live with because I do know it will heal.  I will find my balance again and I will find my confidence again.  I will find the things that make me happy again.  I know that in the last year, I have hidden myself and maybe that is why I have been so sad.  I lost my way and now it is time to find it again.

I am upset that HE can't find any responsibility and that he can't look inside himself at all to see the things that he has done to get us to where we are.  He is the type that projects all of his bullshit onto to other people.  I have to just accept that and realize he will never be like me and that he is on his own path.  Sure, I wish he would see the light, I wish he would take responsibility for his flaws and his actions but he wont and I have to be okay with that.  I have to know in my heart that what caused our demise was his emotional bullshit and my inability to handle it.

I am seperated into two parts.  I am emotional and logical.  My logical being knows that this is the best thing.  My logical being knows that me taking all of the blame for what went wrong in our relationship is not right.  My logical being knows that I am not as worthless as he has made me feel.  My logical being knows that I have allowed him to make me feel this way.

My emotional being,  however, doesn't buy anything my logical being is selling.  This is a big deal.  Somewhere deep down inside of me, I must truly believe that I am not worthy and for me to move on in a healthy way, I have to figure out what is inside of me that has skewed my self worth.

It seems now that I am the bad guy, and he will tell people that I just wouldn't play ball and that I forced him out of the relationship.  He will tell people that I am "crazy" and way to emotional and that I asked way to much of him. 

Atleast now I can move on and try to fix what is broken inside of me without feeling bad about who I am. 

How much blame can one person take?

Anyone who reads my blog and who knows me, knows I have no problem expressing myself.  I am too good at though.  I am beginning to think I overly express and am starting to wonder if that overwhelms the people in my life or if what I have to say hits them to close to home.

If you read my last blog, you know that I am trying desperately to resolve the issues with my estranged boyfriend.  I yearn for resolution so deeply, that I am willing to just let him go so I can begin healing and moving on with my life.  I had a bit of a text war with him today that was quite the eye opener.  I take full responsibility for my actions and the demons inside of me that got us to this point.  However, it is not natural for just ONE person to take all of the blame...is it?  We talked about a fresh a start today, and he doesn't know if he can wipe the slate clean.  I told him ways that we could do that, and in that, one of the things I said is that we each take responsibility for the roles that we played to get us to where we are.  This was his response..."I DIDN'T FUCKING DO ANYTHING". 

As you all can imagine, I was dumbfounded.  I couldn't believe what I was reading.  He was right though, he didn't do anything.  He didn't do anything at all except keep score.  He told me he WAITED for things to get better.  I didn't know that he was waiting, I didn't know things were so terrible.  I honestly had no idea he was on his way out the door.  Of course he said I did know because it was obvious.  I used to ask him all of the time if he was happy, and he would reply with a yes.  I would ask him what was bothering him and he would reply with a "nothing".  I ask him once if he wanted to leave me and he replied with a "no, jesus christ I am not leaving you".  But according to the wise man, I should have known he were headed for disaster.

Things were difficult between us for a while, but it was nothing that couldn't be fixed.  I was trying to straighten myself out and get in control of what was ripping me apart, and yes, he did nothing.

Today's conversation showed me once again that I am no where near close to a reconciliation and I even told him he needed to make a choice whether he was going or staying, which he just said okay too.  Today showed me that I have taken way to much of the blame of what went wrong and that I need to stop with that.  I need to let go of the notion that all I need is for him to come back and I be the fall guy and I can make it all better.  Logically, I know that is impossible.  If I couldn't do that before things went to shit, how can I do it after.  He expects me to fail and how can I live with that?

There is no hope for this relationship.  He feels like he had no part in the demise, and how can I work with that?  I just can't figure out why I can't stick to my guns and get him out of my life.  What the fuck is stopping me?  He has made me feel like the worst person ever to be born and worse than that, I have allowed him to make me feel that way. 

If a relationship is 50/50, can one person be held solely responsible for everything?  How much blame can one person actually take?  Responsibility is just the ability to respond, so if I am responding and he is not, doesn't that make him at fault as well?

O.M.F.G, I am just as confused as I was the other day, and more so then when he left.  He just keeps saying he doesn't know what he wants.  He just says nothing WILL ever change, which I guess if you break that down and read between the lines, he is saying he will never change, maybe that is all the answers I need.

Taking the blame like I have hasn't done a thing to get me to where I need to go, and I actually think that where I need to go is somewhere far away from him. 

I just can't get over the fact that he thinks he had nothing to do with all of this.  WOW, I wonder what it is like to be so perfect.

One small step for mankind...One giant leap for TONI

Today was the day.  Today was the day that I finally decided to pull the trigger on the whole estranged boyfriend situation.  After much toiling and self debate, I found that it was finally time to tell him to come and get his stuff and we would just be done.  I don't do well in limbo, it is not a good place for me to be.  I live in the gray area of life, but in some instances, I am extremely black and white.  It is one of the many contradictions of me. 

I had a whole plan in place.  At first I was going to text him the long drawn version of why I think this is best.  I wrote it, I read it over and over and paid very close attention to detail.  I then thought that it was to long for text messaging and thought I would type it out and say it all via voicemail.  I was quite proud of what I had to say.  I stood up for myself, yet I was still nice and kind.  I wrote everything I wanted him to know.  I told him I loved him, yet this seems to be his modes operandis, and is afraid to face the hard stuff and is hoping I will just finally become fed up enough to just let him go and that is what I am doing..blah blah blah!

I read it over and over, like it was my script and I was the star of some movie in dysfunctionalwood.  I wanted to be able to get it all out in one voicemail and I decided that it was best that he hear the calm collected tone of my voice and not be able to read anything else into what I was saying like he would have been able to do with an email or text message. 

I sat and read it again, and finally comfortable with my decision.  It is important for me to know with all certainty that I am doing things for the right reasons and not some silly thing my crazy inner voice is wanting.  I wanted to make sure in myself, that I didn't expect anything out of this except for him to say "okay, I will be there to pick up my shit soon, nice knowing ya".

I dialed the phone, knowing he wouldn't answer and I could just say what I needed to say to the kind ear of his voicemail.  Well, wouldn't you know it, the first time in a month, the Jack hole answers the goddamn phone!! I stuttered and stammered because I was caught completely off guard.  Thank god I am quick on my feet and it really doesn't take me much to re-group.  I was calm, friendly and very collected.  I told him that it was time he come and move out and we go our separate ways.  I told him that I love him, and would love the chance to work the through the issues, but I can't make him want the same things.  I expressed to him, that it seems like this is what he wants, me to just let all of this go so he can move on and I told him that is what I am willing to do so we can have our freedom.  OMG..he screamed on the phone "DO YOU THINK THIS IS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT???" I have to say, I kind of chuckled and was taken aback.  I replied with yes, because I have nothing to go on.  The talk went on for about 30 minutes.  He said he doesn't know what he wants, that he loves me and cares about me, but doesn't know if he can do it all again.  He is afraid things wont change ect. ect. ect.  I had lots of replies, all calm mind you.  I didn't cry once, I didn't freak out, I just listened and said what I wanted to say.  I asked him one important thing and that was if he thought I was worth it, and he said worth has nothing to do with it.

I find that statement quite interesting, because everything has a value.  If you value something and it is worth a lot to you, then you want to keep it, you want to keep it nice and safe and beautiful. Yet, he says it has nothing to do with value or worth.  He says it has nothing to do with love either.  This is were the Tonster gets confused, because in my land, it has everything to do with all of those things.  I am beginning to think he is very lazy.  He doesn't know if he wants to "get into all of that" again.  Hmmmm? all of that? explained by him to me as the good and the bad.  Yeah, my head was spinning too.

Bottom line is, is that I didn't get what I expected.  I didn't get any of that.  In fact I am a bit bothered that he gave me any hope at all.  I was not prepared for that.  I was really prepared for this to finally be over.  Mind you, I really don't want it to be over, and to be honest, if he showed up on the doorstep tonight, I would take him back in a second.  I want to see if our relationship would work with me in a better, stronger state of mind again.  However, I do NOT want this roller coaster of limbo anymore.  I am spinning my wheels, and I need to either work it out or move on.  How long is this really supposed to go on?  I guess I am the only one who can truly answer that question.  I am sure I will let go on as long as I deem necessary.  The thing about him though, is that after a conversation like that where there was hope, it wouldn't surprise me if the ass jack showed up tomorrow with a U-Haul because that is how he rolls.

I do feel good about how I handled it.  I feel good for being kind and calm and assertive.  That is the giant leap for Toni.  I didn't fall apart, and I don't feel like I am falling into a tailspin.  Small steps sometimes turn into fast sprints!

Letter to my 17 year old self

(After my 17 again post, one of my followers suggested I write a letter to my 17 year old self.  I thought this was a great idea and I feel pretty good doing so, so y'all should give it a try!  Thanks Olivia for the suggestion)

Dear 17 year old Toni,

This letter comes from my heart and is written with nothing but love in mind.  I have been watching you a lot lately and I see things clearly for you.  I see you are suddenly in so much pain and are acting out in destructive ways.  I know all of your secrets and I know everything that you have done up to this point.  I see you crying in your bed at night, and smiling during the day.  I see you trying to cultivate a certain image so no one you know can see your pain. I see everything clearly that you cannot. 

You are taking us down a road that we shouldn't go.  You need to change directions.  It's not to late to turn around.  Don't worry about your home life right now, I know that in a sense it seems great because you have no adults around hassling you and you have all of the freedom that a 17 year old girl could want, but I know what that is doing to you.  It's not your fault about the adults in your life either, they have their own issues to work out, you just happen to be stuck on their soul journey right now, but it wont be like that forever so try to be understanding.

That guy, get rid of him, stop seeing him right away, and in fact, don't get involved with the next one either, he is a real piece of work.  You have to ask yourself what really does a 27 year old MAN want with a 17 year old girl.  He is going to approach you very soon, and yes I know he is super hot and he can buy beer, but run Toni...RUN THE OTHER WAY.  That is a pivotal kernel of advice, I can't tell you if that one moment will change the rest of your life,  but it just might.  You are only 17, you don't need to be dealing with his emotional bullshit because you are not yet equipped with the tools to handle that. 

Stop skipping school so much too, maybe it would be easier to get up in the morning if you stopped staying out so late.  You will have plenty of time to have fun later.  Right now is time to take care of business.  You are an A student with a rich future ahead of you if you would stop squandering it all away.

I know its loads of fun right now, but I bet if you think about it hard, you aren't having that much fun at all.  I bet you are full of anxiety and you know the clock is ticking.  I bet you know everything you are doing isn't really what you want to do at all.  I don't know why you are doing it, but hopefully by my next letter I will know the answers and be able to tell you why.

Just so you know, nobody is coming to rescue you, so you have to do it by yourself.  Stop acting as if nothing bothers you and that everything that is happening is okay.  That attitude will get you no where.  Rock the boat goddamn it..Rock it hard.  Who cares what anyone says, they don't care about you so why should you care about them.  This is about you Toni, and you need to start standing up for yourself!  You act so cool and so nonchalant all of the time, I bet most people never even know what you are feeling.  If they don't know, then maybe they can't understand what they are doing to you.  You are teaching people how to treat you and they are learning the wrong way to do so.  Trust me my dear, you have to change this now or your life is going to be a continuation of this pattern.  The moment you stand up for yourself, you will feel so much better, even if it doesn't have the outcome you want, you will feel good and that is all that truly matters in life.

Stop worrying about how others will see you, just be proud of what you see.  If others don't dig it, they weren't worth your time.

This is all for now.  I will right again and you and I will work all this out together! 

Remember I love you and you have so much light and sparkle in your eyes and you can be anyone you want to be.

With all of the love and respect in my heart,

The 32 year old Toni

17 Again

I wish I could re-visit every significant event in my life.  There are events that have always been big and that have influenced my life and then there are events that as your life progresses, you realize where huge and effected me in a much deeper way than I ever imagined.  I want to go back in time and see everything that I didn't see before.  I want to see where I made the wrong turn, and I want to go in the other direction.  I know that a chain of events led me to this place right now.  I am broken down, have lost all of my self worth and have become extremely unsure of myself that I have a hard time even making a small decision.  I am realizing that it wasn't just this one event that did this to me, it was just the straw that broke the camels back.  I believe that where I am right now, has been an event in the making for several years.  I think this all started when I was 17. 

When I was 17 my life was weird.  It wasn't the life of a normal teenager.  I had way to much freedom and not enough guidance because I thought that I knew it all.  I was basically living on my own and spent my time drinking beer and chasing boys.  I loved boys!! (okay still do) I loved having the freedom of an adult and I loved being able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted to do it, the only problem with all of this is that no matter how "mature" I actually was, I DID not have the mental capacity to handle that kind of freedom.

Looking back, I think I suffered from some low self esteem.  Every teenage girl feels that way, but mine came out in destructive ways.  I like older boys...in fact my prom date was so much older than I was, he already had an ex-wife under his belt...but he could buy beer, so I overlooked that small detail. :)

I noticed lately that I have been unable to stand up for myself with people that have wronged me or not treated me with basic human respect.  I have figured out that this started at the age of 17.  I started to become very unsure of myself at 17.  I grew out of it for awhile but now at 32, I am just as unsure as I was at 17. 

17 was a good year for me.  I had the body I wanted, I had the car I wanted, I had the lifestyle I wanted, I had tons of friends and I had boys chasing me like crazy, however towards the end of that year, I began to change.  I "dated" a guy that I really liked, he was older of course and there wasn't anything about him that I didn't like.  However, for some reason, I just didn't pursue it to get it to the serious level I wanted.  I didn't rock the boat (the theme that has followed..I mean haunted my whole life).  I never pressured him and to be honest, I was actually quite nonchalant about the whole thing.  I never told him what I wanted and now I look back at that as a horrible decision.  I look back at that as a defining decision.  I just let him go and moved on to one terrible relationship after another, never rocking the boat and in turn, never getting what I truly want.  I don't know why I look at this event as so significant, but it just feels like it is.  Something inside me told me I wasn't worthy of him so I didn't even try.  I don't know (as of yet) what got inside of me and stole my self worth, but I would sure like to find out. 

I realized today that self worth is the issue.  It's the issue that is destroying my life.  Why don't I feel worthy?  I have no idea.  Logically I can say that I am worthy of good things, and good people, yet somewhere, embedded deep in my consciousness is this voice telling me I am not worthy and I just don't understand it. 

I want to go back and kick that 17 year old into shape.  I want to tell her so many things and save her from so much grief.  If only my flex capacitor wasn't broken, and if only I had a supply of plutonium, I could jump in my Delorian and go back and whip that girl into shape.

Today I began to Cry

...and then I stopped.  I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  I made some wonderful coffee enjoyed the quiet of the morning and decided it was time to take the doggie for a walk.  The sunshine was beautiful and we went for an extra long stroll.  These are a few things that I am discovering really do make me happy.  My body is starting to feel better so that is a good start considering it is the gateway to my mind.

I haven't contacted "him" since Wednesday when he told me to stop texting.  It actually has been easy not to contact him (for the time being) however I can't stop thinking about him.  I am having a lot of mixed feelings and emotions about him and I am trying my best to decipher them all.  I can tell you that I am beginning to get very angry about the whole situation.  I originally took the blame for the fall apart, but I do know deep down that it is not all of my fault.  Sure, I have plenty of issues that I need to work through and figure out and I am deeply aware of most of them, but I am not the cause of everything that has happened.

I am just confused at myself at this point, because as I think about him, I think about the negative things about him and our relationship.  I do believe we can save it, but only if we are both willing to take the steps to do so, however it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies.  I could tell you a thousand reasons why I should just pack it.  I should just tell him to come get his stuff and get out of life and he can have all the time apart he needs, but something keeps stopping me.  I try to dissect it all.  Is it really him that I am mourning or is it the fact I am 32 and don't want to start over AGAIN?  There questions, I feel need a lot of thought and answers before I make a decision.  I don't want him back for any reason but love.  I don't want to hold onto something if i am just scared. 

So how do I find the answers to these questions?  I am very afraid of my own brain and my heart.  I am afraid that it will give me the wrong answers for the wrong reasons.  I want to gain the clarity of mind that I need to see this whole situation clearly.

I was sitting on the porch thinking of these very things.  The very things about our relationship that upset me and that made me happy.  I thought about never seeing him pull into the driveway again and I began to cry.  The tears just rolled down my face.  I grabbed the yoga mat and started up and the tears dried up.  I guess I am beginning to change because usually I would just cry and cry and cry, but today I replaced it with a healthy behavior and I am proud of myself.  I know it sounds small and not like much of a milestone, but for me, it was huge and my hope is that I am on my way to handling my emotions in a more effective way.

I still hurt, everyday I hurt.  I feel frustrated and defeated a lot of the time, but I keep plugging along hoping that it will start to sink in and become a natural way of life.  I just hope I truly am on he right track to something fantastic, whatever that may be.