The sun always rises

No matter what happens in your life, the sun always rises.  You get up and you try to just live.  You tell yourself to breath in and out and you work to move within the flow of the universe.  Life is happening right now, and that is what I want to experience.

Today has started out okay.  The sun rose in the massive sky and I had no problems getting out of bed.  Yesterday started good and in the middle it has horrible and by the end it was fine again, just the flux and flow of all things I guess.  I have high hopes for today.  I have walked the dog while enjoying the sun shine in my face, listening to great music.  I have read, I have drank my protein juice and I have tried opening the body through yoga.  I look forward to therapy and acupuncture today.  I am hoping through these things I will start to find the balance I so desperately seek.  Everyday I struggle to change my attitude and my personal philosophy.  I want to ease the pain of my soul by re-wiring my mind and body. 

I want to find the motivation and the ambition that I know once lived inside of me.  I don't want to have to force all of the things that I have been doing, I want them to just come naturally.  I want them to be as easy as breathing in and out.

Everything that is happening to me right now is the best possible thing that could happen.  That is the mantra that I keep telling myself.  I want to believe with my whole entire heart and mind that, that is exactly what is true.  I want to fully believe the truth in the mantra and be able to thank the universe for all that has happened, but because negative thoughts and behaviors are so deeply ingrained, it is just hard to utter the thank yous just yet.

The sun will set tonight, just like it always does, I will continue to breath in and out and in the perfection of universal law, it will rise again tomorrow and I will be one step closer to being the person that I strive to be.

Ramble ramble ramble

Today was a day of peaks and valleys.  I woke up this morning feeling very good.  I was refreshed and I felt as if I could conquer the day.  This afternoon, I seemed to be able to manifest one of the things I truly wanted and I was feeling excited for tomorrow.  Then I slid down the peak and hit the valley and hit it hard. 

I sent my estranged boyfriend a couple of texts, just letting him know what I am doing to find the right track that I need to be on.  I also threw in a couple telling him I wanted him to come home.  I didn't expect him to say anything let alone anything negative.  He sent a text telling me to stop texting him and I have to say that devastated me.  I fell apart, balling uncontrollably.  Obviously this is a sign that I am way to wrapped up in this guy.  The way I felt earlier today shouldn't have been able to be shattered so easily with if broken down is a pretty harmless text message, but it was.  He hasn't responded to me in two weeks and I guess I was just shocked that when he finally did, he was just very cold.

I know that I would be able to handle this a lot better if I wasn't in limbo.  Limbo isn't a fun place for me, even though I am able to live in the gray area of things.  I know that I want answers, but I know myself well enough that I am not ready for the big answer.  I am not ready for him to tell me that it is over. 

I guess my challenge to myself is to really give him what he wants.  So far, I have failed and I have sent him little texts and I need to stop.  I believe in setting lofty goals, so my goal starting right now is not to contact him for two weeks.  I am going to rogue for two weeks.  I vow not to text him or contact him in anyway.  There is a part of me that wants to just tell him to shove the whole thing and get here and pack his shit up and move it down the road, but I hate making big decisions under any kind of emotional duress.  So for now, I will start with the no text rule.  I hope I make it the two weeks, but I will be really satisfied with one week.  Maybe I will gain some clarity on the whole situation.  Maybe I will see it for what it really is and maybe I will see him for who he really is whether that be good or bad.

This little posting feels like a ramble, but this is all part of the plan.  I have promised myself that I feel what I feel when I feel it and not deny it.  In that I hope that I will get a handle on the addictive behavior as well as find some mental clarity about my relationship.

All I can do right now is try and climb back up to the peak and try and stay there for a bit.  I want to stay excited about tomorrow when I start therapy and acupuncture.  I want to stay on the right track with my diet and exercise and I just have to make myself stay there.  I guess the only person that can derail my plan right now is me and I just hope that I don't get in the way of myself once again.

Fake it until you make it?

Making over your life isn't an easy endeavor especially when you are lacking motivation and ambition.  My brain tells me everyday what I need to do and how I need to do it, but my heart and body seem to be on strike.  I guess they have tired of the tyrannical ways of the brain and have concocted a mutiny.

It has been thirteen days since I received the "time apart" text from my live in boyfriend, and I have to say that I am still pretty miserable.  I am not sure what I am really miserable about though.  I almost think that even though he had some pretty harsh words to say to me, I think he may be right about most things.  I know that I need to change my ways and exterminate the demons that inhabit my soul.  I know I need these changes for myself and not for him.  I guess what bothers me most, is that he doesn't believe in me at all and that my friends, is a hard pill to swallow.

I am making small changes day by day, trying to fake my heart and body into feeling good again.  Hoping that each little thing I do will put me one step closer to true healing.

First thing that really needs some fixin is the addictive behavior of gambling.  I know that if I didn't have this issue, then most things would be okay and I probably wouldn't be in this predicament.  I am doing a lot of things to try and discover what the root of this issue is and nothing has really clicked yet.  I know that I have to give it some time, but patience is definitely not one of my virtues.  I also need to get physically healthy again.  For the last three months, I have been poisoning my body with toxic foods and that has not helped my mind.  The one thing my estranged boyfriend doesn't understand about me is my mind, body connection.  He doesn't have the capacity to understand that what I put into my body and how I use my body effects my mind.  It effects my mood and my clarity of thought, so it is imperative to my well being that I take care of it. 

I read my books, I make my lists and I am trying to clean out the cobwebs in my mind.  Everyday I do yoga and I try to meditate (which has not been easy).  I walk the dog (the dog walks me) and I drink protein juice and eat raw foods, yet nothing is starting to ease.  I am still not feeling any bit of relief and I must admit that is frustrating.  With each passing day, instead of getting better, I feel myself getting worse.  I feel frustration settling in and  what little motivation I did have moving out which of course makes me sad and angry.

I must be lacking something and I don't know what that is.  What I do know is that I don't want him to be right.  I don't want him to have the satisfaction that he knew something I didn't.  I want to stay on this journey until I get it figured out for myself. 

Maybe that is motivation enough, proving the one who broke your heart completely wrong.  I guess if I hold on to that maybe I will get to where I need to go.

I just want to smile again, without having to fake it

Underlying causes of Addiction

What makes a person fall into the depths of addiction and depression?  Everyone has problems, and everyone has issues but where one person can deal with things in a positive effective way, another becomes embroiled in a cycle of un-healthy behaviors. 

Addiction is just a symptom of a larger problem.  It's just a sneeze letting you know you have a cold.  I believe that once you find out what the true root of the problem is, you can cure any addiction or addictive behavior.  The only problem is, is that roots sprout trees which sprout limbs which sprout leaves.  I seem to be growing a forest.

I used to think that I dealt with things in a healthy way, but looking back, I have never dealt with things.  I suppress most of what I feel and I ignore the rest.  I talk about my feelings but I don't think I ever really say what is really there.  I think deep down inside myself I know what the issues are, but I don't know what is stopping me from dealing with them.

Any kind of addiction changes the dynamic of a family.  Love and affection is replaced with fear and anxiety.  Everyone treats you differently.  They walk on egg shells, they fear your relapses and they, along with you, feel lost in the addiction or behavior.  Negative patterns start to develop and they become the norm.  Denial is rampant.  Your family members want you to get back to the person you once were, yet you have no idea who that person even is. 

I know that I fear the change, even the change for the better.  I fear that without the monkey on my back I will be lonely.  I fear that if I do figure out what the issue is and fix the addictive behavior that I will still be magnificently un-happy.  I fear that I will be un-interesting without the suffering.  I fear that its not the addiction that has made me this way and if I still fail without the problem, then it was me all along.  I wonder if fears can create addictive behavior?  What if I was so afraid of rejection and failure that my sub-conscious created an addictive behavior to always have an excuse for my failures?  Is that what you call a light bulb moment?  I don't know if that is the case, but it sure is something to look into.

I do know this, I will never be able to have any success with this looming over me.  My relationships will fail, I will fail within my family and I will fail at anything that I partake in.  I just hope everyday that is just part of my soul journey and that something fantastic will come out of it someday.  I truly hope that this struggle wont be in vain.

I think it all begins with honesty.  Honesty with your own heart and soul and letting yourself listen to the hard stuff that your soul tells you.  Listening you the truth that your heart tells you is the hardest truth to hear.

Zen and the art of happiness

Books books and more books.  I am surrounded by books.  I am devouring them like a fat kids devours cake.  I am hoping to find one kernel of wisdom that will make all of this pain go away.  I am naturally drawn to the metaphysical and the eastern philosophy and I believe deep down in my heart that that is the way for me.

I am reading Zen and the Art of Happiness by Chris Prentiss and I have to say, it truly is brilliant and so is he and his concepts are so easy yet so very difficult.  When reading such books, you tend to start to realize just how embedded some behaviors are in you.  This book tells you if you want to be happy, just be happy.  I have to say, on the surface I believe that but deep down, it just seems so hopeless.  I am plagued by negative thoughts.  Thoughts of destruction, thoughts of how I have hurt those close to me, memories of the good times that feel like they are gone forever.  I feel emptiness and I feel that I will never experience happiness again. Yet from the bottom of my heart, I just want to be happy. 

I understand that the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow but life is happening right now.  Zen truly is living right now.  We can only really enjoy life and be happy if we burn ourselves out in the moment that is happening right now.  I carry this baggage of the past and I know that is what is making me miserable.  Bags of regret and bags full of mistakes and bags of anger and hurt.  I want to be able just to throw them in the lake and be rid of them forever.  No wonder I am so un-happy, my arms are so full that I don't have the strength to carry bags of happiness.

Each day that passes, I have a hope that things will get better.  I have a hope that those memories that make me so sad will start to fade away.  I know that I shouldn't hope and I shouldn't try, I should just do.  I should just be happy.  I should know that everything that is happening right now is exactly what is supposed to happen.  The universe is giving me a great gift but I am so clouded by the failure that I can't see that.  My brain knows all of the answers yet my heart doesn't want to hear that. 

I am an emotionally driven person.  I am driven by my heart and soul.  I get lost in myself and my hurts.  I get lost in the hurts I have caused others.  Rarely does brain logic enter into any of my equations.  I bask in the gray areas of life and swim in the expectation.  Nothing ever seems to work out in life how it does in my minds eye.  I have always known that having expectations is what has caused me a lot of pain in my life.  When one has an expectation and it is not meant, disappointed starts to rise.  When I feel disappointed, I feel hurt.  That is no way to live.  I logically know that you should just appreciate every moment for what it is, not what it could be or what it should be, just for what it is.

I am sure that in one of my bags, I am carrying a self worth issue and I am sure that is what is causing me to feel the way I do.  It is a constant fight between my heart and my head.  If I could find away for them to both live harmoniously together, I would be a whole different person.  Its my heart that wants so much and usually beats the crap out of the head.  My heart creates the visions of grandeur all the while my head laughs knowing that my heart will soon be disappointed in the outcome.

I just want to live right now.  I don't want to think of my past and I don't want to dwell on the future.  I want to find a place where I can just surf the energy of now and realize that every moment changes into the now.  I want to believe that the Universe is working for me and that this really is the best possible thing that could have happened.  I want to believe that with my whole heart and my whole head. 

Yearning and wanting is the source of all pain. 

Dealing with turmoil when you are trying to recover

I have to say that dealing with so much trauma when you are trying to recover yourself from the grips of addiction is fucking hard.  All I want to do is run to the casino so I can hide from this pain.  The pain of loss would be a lot easier to deal with if I could partake in my "hobby".  Its been tough, I feel the pull in a major way.  Luckily I know enough to know that I would feel 1000% worse if I were to do that.  I know that is one of the reasons I am here right now, and I just have to keep telling myself that I don't need to cause excess drama and I don't need to continually shoot myself in the foot.  When this is all said and done, I want to at least hold my head up high and know that I didn't grab my crutch again.

I love to gamble.  I love it when I do it, but I hate it when I am done.  I have figured out I am the same way in a relationship as I am in the casino.  I will keep investing in a bad machine just hoping it will finally pay out in a big way.  I just keep at it and I wont walk away.  I just can't walk away.  I love the feeling of being able to get lost.  When my mind is going three hundred miles per hour and I can't handle the thoughts anymore, the casino is the one place I can go that makes me forget everything stressful in my life.  That is the beast in me.  This would all be fine of course if I could just go and spend a couple of bucks and walk away, but like I said, I just can't walk away.  This is a theme in my life and maybe that is why gambling picked me instead of drugs or alcohol.  OMG...I just realized that not being able to walk away is really close to not being able to throw anything away, so lets hope I am not on the road to being a hoarder :)

Maybe that is why I am hurting so bad, because I am actually allowing myself to feel the pain.  I am not trying to hide it nor am I trying suppress it.  I am just feeling it, feeling it with every inch of my being.  I am feeling the walls close in on me and I am feeling the supreme loneliness.  I am feeling everything and maybe that is what I finally need to do.  I just need to feel.  No matter how much I hate it, I just need to sit back and allow myself to feel it.

I really do want to be better.  I want to be the best Toni I can be.  I want to smile without thinking about it and I want to laugh without forcing it.  I want see light at the end of the tunnel and I want to have faith that everything that happens to me is the best possible thing to happen.  I don't want to question the Universal laws and I just want to believe that this is all part of the bigger picture and will all be beneficial on my road to personal development.  I want to heal myself, emotionally and physically.  I want to be a success story instead of a cautionary tale. 

Feeling Hopeless

Day 9 of the so called "time apart" and I am still a mess.  I feel like a prisoner in my own mind and all I want to do is feel better.  I know that a part of me is on the right track.  I am eating well, drinking lots of water and doing yoga.  I am devouring book after book after book yet I really don't know if it is sinking in yet.  I have so much to say, yet it seems if I have no one to say it too because the one person I want to listen to me with an open heart, wont even come near me. 

I am sad and I am angry and I am frustrated.  I want this dire, sinking feeling to just go away but I know that somehow I am perpetuating it.  I wish I could express my anger, but I have never been the type.  It is difficult for me to even raise my voice.  I want to scream and cry and throw a toddler fit with adult size attitude.  I want him to see what is happening and feel deeply the hurt that I am feeling.

I try to find the motivation to be happy, but right now that seems almost impossible.  I know that I have to fix myself before I can even begin to fix my relationship, but I just want to know that somewhere down the line he will start to listen. 

I read these books all based in the metaphysical and they say just be happy.  And oh I wish it were that simple for me.  I do want to be happy, I just want to be and not have to work at it.  I hate that it seems like for me, happiness is something that has to be achieved instead of just being. 

I have done a lot of reading lately on happiness and depression and how the body and mind connection work so closely together.  I have been reading that if the mind thinks depressing thoughts, then  you grow new cells with more receptors that respond to sadness rather then happiness so your body becomes more depressed and you become almost addicted to depression and sadness and vice versa with the happiness.  I want to believe in universal law that says that everything that happens to you is the best possible thing that can happen to you.  I know deep down that is probably true, but the worst thing is happening to cloud my eyes from truly seeing that and that is my ego. 

I am honestly afraid that I am addicted to the depression.  I don't want to be.  I tell myself my affirmations.  I try to think of something positive and I try to see all of the good that could come out of what has happened.  It just seems like those thoughts and feelings of failure and loss keep creeping in my consciousness until I am crying like a third grade school girl.

I am hoping that something will start to kick in soon.  That the nutrition will help build newer, healthier cells, that the meditation will take me to another plane, and that the yoga will help relax me and my thoughts. 

I am trying to make lists, trying to figure out everything that I want and that I need.  I am trying to figure out if he really is the right one for me and what I truly love about him.  I am trying to figure out my addiction and what the underlying cause really is.  I am trying to figure out why I took all of the blame and let him off Scott free even when I know its not all of my fault. 

I know tomorrow is a new day and maybe I will be on step closer to feeling a bit happier and a bit more at peace with the situation.  I will have made it another day without contacting him.  Feels like I am going through detox at a rehab program, the withdrawals are starting to kill me.

Getting in the way of my self

Here I am, on my couch surrounded by self help books, hoping that one of them contains the one key piece of advice that will save my struggling relationship but they all seem to say the same things, things that I already know, but yet cannot put into practice.

I am a fixer. If something is broken, I want to put whatever tool I have to it and fix it. I don't believe in my soul that I can just sit idly by and do nothing when something in my life is broken. I want to do whatever it takes to make things right again, especially if I feel that I have made it wrong.

If you have read any of my previous posts, you basically have a general idea what is going on. My relationship is in turmoil and I have no idea if I will be able to save it. I want to fix myself and then I want to fix the relationship. I know what it will take to do so, but execution is another story.

Today I thought it was time for the big gesture. It had been a week since I have spoken with my estranged boyfriend and even though I hadn't contacted him much, the things I did text went un-answered. Silence is the hardest thing for me yet I know that it would be easier if I could work on mastering it. I find difficulty in just letting things go which is both a strength and a weakness. It is all about knowing your audience, and that is where my skill is not as polished as it should be.

He has been away staying with his mom about three hours away and although I knew he would be town this weekend, I just couldn't take it anymore. I had thought long and hard about why things have gone the way that they have, and I came to the conclusion that I spent so much time asking him to see things through my eyes, that I never gave him that in return. I really never looked at things from his perspective and this morning I saw it all and I was heartbroken. I felt terrible for what I saw. I am ashamed of some of the things I have done and some of the ways that I have treated him. I knew that moment, that I needed to see him right away. I thought about every consequence that could come from me going to see him. I knew that I wouldn't get the romantic reaction that every woman hopes for, but I actually thought he might appreciate where I was coming from, boy was I WRONG.

Luckily, I didn't have to drive the whole three hours. About an hour into the drive, I passed him on the highway. I frantically looked for somewhere to turn around and I pumped my brakes like crazy hoping that he would see me in his rearview. I fumbled for phone and dialed the number hoping that the cell service would hold on for just a minute...and of course no answer. I flipped around in a pretty dangerous place hoping to catch him on this extremely windy road. I finally caught him and he pulled over. I was nervous, yet prepared and working very hard to control my emotion which is usually soggy to say the least.

He got out of his truck and he was not even for a moment happy to see me. He was angry that I wasn't respecting his wishes for time apart. He told me I have no business coming to see him, which in turn cut me like a knife.

Last week, he just cut of communication so I feel he did not respect my wishes either. I said what I wanted to say and of course he didn't believe me. He is convinced I will say anything to get him back, yet wont show the action when he comes back. He believes at his core that no one can change and I believe the opposite. I think if you change for someone else, it wont work, but if you change for yourself then success is eminent.

He went on to tell me that he doesn't believe relationships are work and that if you are with the right person, there aren't any struggles. We disagree fully on this point. Even the people who do feel like they found the one will tell you, you have to work on it everyday and that it is hard work. I took that to mean that he doesn't believe I am the right person which he argued right away that is not what he said. I didn't push, since pushing is some of what got me into this mess in the first place.

I was hoping for some kind of resolution from this meeting. But all I got was more limbo. I told him I wanted to make sure we were heading towards reconciliation but he couldn't tell me that either. He was cold. I tried to be warm. I was prepared for this, but it still hurts. I really don't know what to do. I want to try again, yet you can't make someone else want the same things. He told me that he hasn't felt any stress the week we have been apart and I have to admit that was a stinger. Of course he has no stress, he put it all on me. He is the one that felt so stressed and he left so of course he feels no pressure or stress.

I am frustrated and I am angry and I am sad. I want to be better, better for myself and better for him.

I have to prepare myself for the worst I feel. Nothing I said to him today made any impact. I haven't heard a word from him. I guess I just have to feel good about what I have done. This is so hard because I am incapable of playing games. I just want to be straight out and honest about how I feel but that is part of what has gotten me into this mess too.

So day one (kind of) of my new one year plan to find the better Toni. I am going to launch an industrious plan that is going to be full of hard work and I am sure I am going to trip all of the time, but I would rather trip and skin my knee then not try at all.

Things like this just don't work out for girls like me.

Lost yet trying to be found

Wow, what a month. If I could use one word to describe the last month, I would say devastating would sum it all up. Even before August 17th, things weren't that great, but things were still manageable. The old adage "when it rains it pours" definitely rings true when it comes to the events of the last month.

Let's travel back to May 15th, when I really started to see the downward spiral of things. It wasn't noticeable at first, just a little nagging that something wasn't right. I had been a victim of the economic downturn, and had been un-employed for 18 months, and in that dark time, I met a wonderful man who I fell in love with. We were both in un-healthy states of mind when we met, but like most people, we felt we loved each other to make it through anything as long as we were together. After spending a lot of time with him, probably to much time, I thought it was time to get back to work. I felt that if I felt productive again, everything would change for the best. I took a job that I thought I would like and I thought I would be good at, but after the first day, I just knew it wasn't right. I felt stifled just sitting in the building. I don't feel good when I am there at all. This new job started making me miserable day after day. I felt like I was sinking into a hole of despair, because I couldn't get over that I should like it, I should succeed at it and I should be able to suck it up and deal with it and be a friggin adult about it. I didn't want my guy to think I was a loser by just quitting, because the way things have been in the world, I should just be happy to have a job, which I am not.
So...I felt cloaked in failure everyday that I went to work. I didn't feel good about myself, I wasn't taking care of myself. I was poisoning my body with soda and junk food, not sleeping and putting on weight at a rapid pace. I was drowning.

It is almost impossible to not let these things leak into other areas of your life. When you feel sick, everyone around you is affected. When you are miserable and can't find happiness within yourself, you look to your partner to provide it for you, and of course you set them up for failure and push them away which in turn makes you even more miserable.

My relationship was hard. I know there was a lot of love between us, but nothing else was clicking and I couldn't see past my own misery to see that I was making him just as miserable. I was failing miserably as a girlfriend.

Things really started crumbling on August 17th. I was sitting at work and my cell phone rang. Bad news was calling. My mothers long time companion Jim, died suddenly. This man, whom I had grown up with since I was six years old was gone. He was a fixture in my life and my moms. Jim and I had a very complex, complicated relationship which was comprised of anger and negativity. However, I had fun with him too. I have good memories, I have horrible memories but bottom line is, is that he was a constant fixture in my life. I never was able to heal the hurts or to say what I wanted to say and now he is gone and he has left us all with incredible feelings of guilt. A death in the family is always difficult to deal with, and when your family is complicated, it is difficult to find where you belong.

We were reeling from Jim's sudden passing and still coming to terms that he wasn't coming down the steps for dinner. I was trying to find some kind of peace and trying to make things better at work and in my relationship, but none of it was working. Two weeks later, on a Friday afternoon, I was again, sitting at work going through the motions when my cell phone rang. Bad news decided to call again. My mom's father, my beloved grandpa passed away. OMG I thought..can't we just have a little break? My grandpa had suffered and he was tired and ready to go, and logically, we all knew it was the best thing, but we just thought the timing was terrible. In two weeks, my "step-dad" died and my grandpa died. Things were getting harder to say the least. Another event that fueled my depression and self-loathing. I looked into my relationship for comfort but couldn't find it. I am not sure if it really wasn't there or if I just couldn't see it or appreciate it. I felt it coming, I felt it crumbling so I tried so hard to hold onto it. Begging and pleading, crying, screaming for understanding and comfort, that I lost it all. I wanted all of those things, but I couldn't see clearly to what all of this misery was doing to me. Not just the misery of death, but the misery of losing yourself as well. I let myself swim in the misery that had become me. And of course the consequences were about to rear their ugly head.

13 days after my Grandpa and exactly one month after Jim, my relationship fell apart. I made him hate love he said to me via text. He told me he needed time apart which with the way things are going means he is done. Sure, I did what you do when that happens. I begged, I pleaded, I promised, I cried and nothing worked. He was fed up with my misery. I don't what time apart means and I don't know how to handle it. I am fixer by nature and I know that at the core I always thought we had something real and when you have something real, it can be fixed. I haven't spoken to him since he left. I don't know what any of this means but I have to deal with it.

So here I am, cloaked in misery, swimming in despair and figuring out how to forge on through this time. I know that I want to make it work and I want the chance to show him I can be me again, the happy me and caring me, but I feel like I will never get that chance. I do know that right now I have to fix myself, not my relationship. I think that if I heal my own hurts, and face my own resentments that maybe the side effect will be reconciliation with my love.

I have concocted a plan, a win win you could say. Heal myself and no matter what happens, I will be okay. If he decides to really leave forever, at least I will be of healthy body and spirit and I will be able to handle it gracefully and if he decides that I am worth it, then I will be in a healthy body and mind to be happy again and to make him happy again.

So here is what I am going to do...I am going to write about my plans, my goals, my failures, my setbacks. I am going to chronicle what is working and what is not. I am going to detox my body from the poison that I have been consuming, I am going to clear my mind of negative self talk. I am going to cherish my temple, find my exercise and yoga again. I am going to center myself and find myself again and who I want to be. I know it's going to be hard, and I know it's not going to be easy. I am going to face the hard stuff, I am going to open up those locked doors inside my mind. I am going to kick the ass of the self saboteur that lives inside my head.

I really want the best outcome, I want the chance to be the best Toni I can be and I want him back, yet I know you can't make anyone do what they don't want to do, and he has to be able to live his best life which may be with or without me. Only time will tell!

Wish me luck on this journey, If I could say one positive about the last few months, is that all of the sadness and grief has made me take a real hard look at myself and what I have become.