Zen and the art of happiness

Books books and more books.  I am surrounded by books.  I am devouring them like a fat kids devours cake.  I am hoping to find one kernel of wisdom that will make all of this pain go away.  I am naturally drawn to the metaphysical and the eastern philosophy and I believe deep down in my heart that that is the way for me.

I am reading Zen and the Art of Happiness by Chris Prentiss and I have to say, it truly is brilliant and so is he and his concepts are so easy yet so very difficult.  When reading such books, you tend to start to realize just how embedded some behaviors are in you.  This book tells you if you want to be happy, just be happy.  I have to say, on the surface I believe that but deep down, it just seems so hopeless.  I am plagued by negative thoughts.  Thoughts of destruction, thoughts of how I have hurt those close to me, memories of the good times that feel like they are gone forever.  I feel emptiness and I feel that I will never experience happiness again. Yet from the bottom of my heart, I just want to be happy. 

I understand that the past was yesterday and the future is tomorrow but life is happening right now.  Zen truly is living right now.  We can only really enjoy life and be happy if we burn ourselves out in the moment that is happening right now.  I carry this baggage of the past and I know that is what is making me miserable.  Bags of regret and bags full of mistakes and bags of anger and hurt.  I want to be able just to throw them in the lake and be rid of them forever.  No wonder I am so un-happy, my arms are so full that I don't have the strength to carry bags of happiness.

Each day that passes, I have a hope that things will get better.  I have a hope that those memories that make me so sad will start to fade away.  I know that I shouldn't hope and I shouldn't try, I should just do.  I should just be happy.  I should know that everything that is happening right now is exactly what is supposed to happen.  The universe is giving me a great gift but I am so clouded by the failure that I can't see that.  My brain knows all of the answers yet my heart doesn't want to hear that. 

I am an emotionally driven person.  I am driven by my heart and soul.  I get lost in myself and my hurts.  I get lost in the hurts I have caused others.  Rarely does brain logic enter into any of my equations.  I bask in the gray areas of life and swim in the expectation.  Nothing ever seems to work out in life how it does in my minds eye.  I have always known that having expectations is what has caused me a lot of pain in my life.  When one has an expectation and it is not meant, disappointed starts to rise.  When I feel disappointed, I feel hurt.  That is no way to live.  I logically know that you should just appreciate every moment for what it is, not what it could be or what it should be, just for what it is.

I am sure that in one of my bags, I am carrying a self worth issue and I am sure that is what is causing me to feel the way I do.  It is a constant fight between my heart and my head.  If I could find away for them to both live harmoniously together, I would be a whole different person.  Its my heart that wants so much and usually beats the crap out of the head.  My heart creates the visions of grandeur all the while my head laughs knowing that my heart will soon be disappointed in the outcome.

I just want to live right now.  I don't want to think of my past and I don't want to dwell on the future.  I want to find a place where I can just surf the energy of now and realize that every moment changes into the now.  I want to believe that the Universe is working for me and that this really is the best possible thing that could have happened.  I want to believe that with my whole heart and my whole head. 

Yearning and wanting is the source of all pain.