Exposed

You know that scene in Jerry McGuire, where he is in his room and he starts to become enlightened and writes the mission statement? It all seemed like a really good idea at the time, until he arrived in the lobby feeling a bit embarrassed and exposed. That is exactly how I feel at this moment. I exposed this negative thing about myself and now I am feeling an inkling of regret. I guess I am mostly embarrassed that I have aired my dirty laundry in this way. I worry that there will be whispers among my friends and the people that know my family and I. Those are all natural feelings though. Anytime you put yourself out there, you worry about the negative scrutiny. I guess I do have those worries, but there is also a part of me that feels relieved that I have shared this part of me. I am hoping that this is the beginning of the process to get this giant gorilla off of my back. We have become great friends, however that bastard sure is heavy.

I am at a point that if I am going to expose my emotional nudity, then I am going to completely strip down and shake it. I have done this to myself, and now I am going to own it. I am going to lay it out there, all that I am feeling during these pivotal moments. So here goes....I WANT TO GAMBLE...even though I don't (If that makes sense)

My demon and I have become pals. My demon is my closest friend. She knows me the best at this point in my life, so there is a part of me that is afraid to let her go. I want to let her go, yet I am still scared. It's funny, I think sometimes we keep doing the same things over and over again even if it is bad for us or un-healthy because we are comfortable with the outcome. We know what is going to happen, and we know how to handle it. I know how to handle all of the shit that comes along with this gorilla and I am scared of the unknown. I know that the unknown has got to be better then what I do know but that doesn't subside the fear in my soul.

I am afraid I wont be interesting anymore. I guess it is some sick thought that the creative mind is always a tortured soul, so if I am no longer tortured, will I still have this depth and creativity? I hope so.

Is this why we hang onto our addictions? Because we are afraid of what we will be without it? I am just afraid of the work I guess. My thoughts have been so consumed with gambling for so long, I don't know what I will think about when thats gone. What If I am completely un-interesting? What If I totally lame? Oh wait, this is me we are talking about..that just couldn't happen ;)

The greek say "if you are going to suffer, suffer magnificently" and I think I have done that...To bad I am not greek.

The Confession

Okay, so here I go...for the first time I am willing to make my very private struggle into a very public journey. I honestly feel like I am stepping foot onto a nude beach and dropping my robe for the first time. I don't like to be naked, not physically nor mentally and emotionally, however I feel like I can't carry this burden alone any longer and that maybe by talking about it, I will have some magnificent cathartic experience. So here goes...

My name is Toni and I am a compulsive gambler. Whew..that was tough to write...It seemed as if it took an hour for my fingers to type those words. Sure, there are a few of you out there who know I have a gambling problem..but being a compulsive gambler is a whole other ball of very expensive wax.

I have been a compulsive gambler for about ten years. I have had times of great control and times of being extremely out of control. I have gambled in the casinos and I have gambled online. I cannot begin to imagine how much I have actually lost, but I am sure I could have paid cash for a fantastic house by now.

It really is embarrassing to admit that I have lost control of my own life, but I have and its nuts. I mean don't get me wrong, being a little out of control is part of who I am, but this is way out of control..this equates to jumping into my car hopped up on heroin and cough syrup and driving 150 MPH on the wrong side of road.

I have done a lot of things I am not proud of to feed my addiction and my family has taken the biggest brunt of it. I sometimes feel like I am two separate people and I am leading a double life. I think I understand how those men feel that have two completely different families and O.M.G it is exhausting. It is so exhausting to pretend to be normal and together when I am completely un-glued.

My whole life revolves around gambling. It is all I think about. When I close my eyes, I actually see the slot machine reels going around and around. That is F-ing insane. I don't spend money like a normal person. Every financial decision I make is based on gambling. I mean damn..If I spend money on groceries then that takes away from my gambling cash..and we just can't have that. You would think if I would be 120 pounds, however, the "casino diet" hasn't really helped in my weight loss goals even though I can't afford to eat :). I honestly spend as little money as possible on the day to day things that I need so I have more gambling money..My God..that is fuckered up.

It has always been hard for me to admit that this is an addiction. I have always thought you could only be addicted to something chemical and if it wasn't chemical then it should be easy to beat. Boy howdy, how wrong I am about that. This thing I have does something very chemical to my brain. I relish in the high and I suffer in the low and I deal with the with drawl. I get cranky and feel out of sorts until I am able to gamble again.

When I drive to the casino, I feel so anxious and excited. I know I am getting close and my heart begins to pump a bit faster. It seems like I can't walk into the place quick enough and then I am finally there. I let out that long breath of relief like I am home (How sick is that). I feel the same way when I go to the store to purchase a gift card visa to gamble online. It is so funny, because I do feel like one of those suburban housewife soccer mom addicts, the ones who want know one to know their secret, so I go to different stores to purchase my gift cards, thinking all of the time that they are on to me.

I do love to gamble. Yes I do. I love the excitement of placing bigger and bigger bets. I love to spin the reel and chatter to the machine. I love the winning, but I love the losing even more (I will elucidate that point later). I just love the risk of it all. However, in waiting for my "big one"..you know the one..the BIG ONE that is going to save me and my entire family from financial peril, I have learned that it doesn't matter if I win it..because I am just going to put it all back.

I once thought that If I won enough (Whatever that phantom number is in my head) I would be able to walk away with the validation that I did it, and that one hit could fix everything. I now know that I could probably win a million dollar jackpot and put it all back in the same night (No, that hasn't happened, so no one has to have a hemorrhage). I guess its that Epiphany that is going to save me though. Because I can't take this life for another day. I am finally fed up with the whole thing. This addiction is making me physically ill. The stress of this double life is manifesting itself in my body. And that is just to much for me to handle. I feel like it is aging me pre-maturely and as many of you know...I am vain as hell and well..we just can't have that.

I have tried to quit before, I have been to therapy, I have been to a spiritual healer, I have tried to control it with diet and exercise and nothing has worked. So I am on to a new option...Hypnosis. Tomorrow I have my first session. I feel like this is my last option and if it doesn't work, I am probably going to have to eat a bullet (Don't call a hot line, I am fine) because I can't take the thoughts in my own head any longer.

I am both nervous and excited for tomorrow. I am open to such things and am not afraid to confront my demons. I do know though, that I am sure I have some locked doors and I am really not sure what is going to be behind them. That is a scary thought. I am sure it isn't a new car or trip to Spain like on the Price is Right. Just some stupid crap that I haven't dealt with.
I guess my gambling problem is like a screaming kid who is rubbing his own poop on the wall because he is not getting enough attention. I have some shit behind some stupid door that is screaming for some attention and I guess the gambling is like the poop being rubbed on the wall.

So here goes..tomorrow is the first step towards redemption and maybe getting back to who I once was if I can even remember who that is.