Exposed

You know that scene in Jerry McGuire, where he is in his room and he starts to become enlightened and writes the mission statement? It all seemed like a really good idea at the time, until he arrived in the lobby feeling a bit embarrassed and exposed. That is exactly how I feel at this moment. I exposed this negative thing about myself and now I am feeling an inkling of regret. I guess I am mostly embarrassed that I have aired my dirty laundry in this way. I worry that there will be whispers among my friends and the people that know my family and I. Those are all natural feelings though. Anytime you put yourself out there, you worry about the negative scrutiny. I guess I do have those worries, but there is also a part of me that feels relieved that I have shared this part of me. I am hoping that this is the beginning of the process to get this giant gorilla off of my back. We have become great friends, however that bastard sure is heavy.

I am at a point that if I am going to expose my emotional nudity, then I am going to completely strip down and shake it. I have done this to myself, and now I am going to own it. I am going to lay it out there, all that I am feeling during these pivotal moments. So here goes....I WANT TO GAMBLE...even though I don't (If that makes sense)

My demon and I have become pals. My demon is my closest friend. She knows me the best at this point in my life, so there is a part of me that is afraid to let her go. I want to let her go, yet I am still scared. It's funny, I think sometimes we keep doing the same things over and over again even if it is bad for us or un-healthy because we are comfortable with the outcome. We know what is going to happen, and we know how to handle it. I know how to handle all of the shit that comes along with this gorilla and I am scared of the unknown. I know that the unknown has got to be better then what I do know but that doesn't subside the fear in my soul.

I am afraid I wont be interesting anymore. I guess it is some sick thought that the creative mind is always a tortured soul, so if I am no longer tortured, will I still have this depth and creativity? I hope so.

Is this why we hang onto our addictions? Because we are afraid of what we will be without it? I am just afraid of the work I guess. My thoughts have been so consumed with gambling for so long, I don't know what I will think about when thats gone. What If I am completely un-interesting? What If I totally lame? Oh wait, this is me we are talking about..that just couldn't happen ;)

The greek say "if you are going to suffer, suffer magnificently" and I think I have done that...To bad I am not greek.