Ramble ramble ramble

Today was a day of peaks and valleys.  I woke up this morning feeling very good.  I was refreshed and I felt as if I could conquer the day.  This afternoon, I seemed to be able to manifest one of the things I truly wanted and I was feeling excited for tomorrow.  Then I slid down the peak and hit the valley and hit it hard. 

I sent my estranged boyfriend a couple of texts, just letting him know what I am doing to find the right track that I need to be on.  I also threw in a couple telling him I wanted him to come home.  I didn't expect him to say anything let alone anything negative.  He sent a text telling me to stop texting him and I have to say that devastated me.  I fell apart, balling uncontrollably.  Obviously this is a sign that I am way to wrapped up in this guy.  The way I felt earlier today shouldn't have been able to be shattered so easily with if broken down is a pretty harmless text message, but it was.  He hasn't responded to me in two weeks and I guess I was just shocked that when he finally did, he was just very cold.

I know that I would be able to handle this a lot better if I wasn't in limbo.  Limbo isn't a fun place for me, even though I am able to live in the gray area of things.  I know that I want answers, but I know myself well enough that I am not ready for the big answer.  I am not ready for him to tell me that it is over. 

I guess my challenge to myself is to really give him what he wants.  So far, I have failed and I have sent him little texts and I need to stop.  I believe in setting lofty goals, so my goal starting right now is not to contact him for two weeks.  I am going to rogue for two weeks.  I vow not to text him or contact him in anyway.  There is a part of me that wants to just tell him to shove the whole thing and get here and pack his shit up and move it down the road, but I hate making big decisions under any kind of emotional duress.  So for now, I will start with the no text rule.  I hope I make it the two weeks, but I will be really satisfied with one week.  Maybe I will gain some clarity on the whole situation.  Maybe I will see it for what it really is and maybe I will see him for who he really is whether that be good or bad.

This little posting feels like a ramble, but this is all part of the plan.  I have promised myself that I feel what I feel when I feel it and not deny it.  In that I hope that I will get a handle on the addictive behavior as well as find some mental clarity about my relationship.

All I can do right now is try and climb back up to the peak and try and stay there for a bit.  I want to stay excited about tomorrow when I start therapy and acupuncture.  I want to stay on the right track with my diet and exercise and I just have to make myself stay there.  I guess the only person that can derail my plan right now is me and I just hope that I don't get in the way of myself once again.