Fake it until you make it?

Making over your life isn't an easy endeavor especially when you are lacking motivation and ambition.  My brain tells me everyday what I need to do and how I need to do it, but my heart and body seem to be on strike.  I guess they have tired of the tyrannical ways of the brain and have concocted a mutiny.

It has been thirteen days since I received the "time apart" text from my live in boyfriend, and I have to say that I am still pretty miserable.  I am not sure what I am really miserable about though.  I almost think that even though he had some pretty harsh words to say to me, I think he may be right about most things.  I know that I need to change my ways and exterminate the demons that inhabit my soul.  I know I need these changes for myself and not for him.  I guess what bothers me most, is that he doesn't believe in me at all and that my friends, is a hard pill to swallow.

I am making small changes day by day, trying to fake my heart and body into feeling good again.  Hoping that each little thing I do will put me one step closer to true healing.

First thing that really needs some fixin is the addictive behavior of gambling.  I know that if I didn't have this issue, then most things would be okay and I probably wouldn't be in this predicament.  I am doing a lot of things to try and discover what the root of this issue is and nothing has really clicked yet.  I know that I have to give it some time, but patience is definitely not one of my virtues.  I also need to get physically healthy again.  For the last three months, I have been poisoning my body with toxic foods and that has not helped my mind.  The one thing my estranged boyfriend doesn't understand about me is my mind, body connection.  He doesn't have the capacity to understand that what I put into my body and how I use my body effects my mind.  It effects my mood and my clarity of thought, so it is imperative to my well being that I take care of it. 

I read my books, I make my lists and I am trying to clean out the cobwebs in my mind.  Everyday I do yoga and I try to meditate (which has not been easy).  I walk the dog (the dog walks me) and I drink protein juice and eat raw foods, yet nothing is starting to ease.  I am still not feeling any bit of relief and I must admit that is frustrating.  With each passing day, instead of getting better, I feel myself getting worse.  I feel frustration settling in and  what little motivation I did have moving out which of course makes me sad and angry.

I must be lacking something and I don't know what that is.  What I do know is that I don't want him to be right.  I don't want him to have the satisfaction that he knew something I didn't.  I want to stay on this journey until I get it figured out for myself. 

Maybe that is motivation enough, proving the one who broke your heart completely wrong.  I guess if I hold on to that maybe I will get to where I need to go.

I just want to smile again, without having to fake it