One small step for mankind...One giant leap for TONI

Today was the day.  Today was the day that I finally decided to pull the trigger on the whole estranged boyfriend situation.  After much toiling and self debate, I found that it was finally time to tell him to come and get his stuff and we would just be done.  I don't do well in limbo, it is not a good place for me to be.  I live in the gray area of life, but in some instances, I am extremely black and white.  It is one of the many contradictions of me. 

I had a whole plan in place.  At first I was going to text him the long drawn version of why I think this is best.  I wrote it, I read it over and over and paid very close attention to detail.  I then thought that it was to long for text messaging and thought I would type it out and say it all via voicemail.  I was quite proud of what I had to say.  I stood up for myself, yet I was still nice and kind.  I wrote everything I wanted him to know.  I told him I loved him, yet this seems to be his modes operandis, and is afraid to face the hard stuff and is hoping I will just finally become fed up enough to just let him go and that is what I am doing..blah blah blah!

I read it over and over, like it was my script and I was the star of some movie in dysfunctionalwood.  I wanted to be able to get it all out in one voicemail and I decided that it was best that he hear the calm collected tone of my voice and not be able to read anything else into what I was saying like he would have been able to do with an email or text message. 

I sat and read it again, and finally comfortable with my decision.  It is important for me to know with all certainty that I am doing things for the right reasons and not some silly thing my crazy inner voice is wanting.  I wanted to make sure in myself, that I didn't expect anything out of this except for him to say "okay, I will be there to pick up my shit soon, nice knowing ya".

I dialed the phone, knowing he wouldn't answer and I could just say what I needed to say to the kind ear of his voicemail.  Well, wouldn't you know it, the first time in a month, the Jack hole answers the goddamn phone!! I stuttered and stammered because I was caught completely off guard.  Thank god I am quick on my feet and it really doesn't take me much to re-group.  I was calm, friendly and very collected.  I told him that it was time he come and move out and we go our separate ways.  I told him that I love him, and would love the chance to work the through the issues, but I can't make him want the same things.  I expressed to him, that it seems like this is what he wants, me to just let all of this go so he can move on and I told him that is what I am willing to do so we can have our freedom.  OMG..he screamed on the phone "DO YOU THINK THIS IS WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT???" I have to say, I kind of chuckled and was taken aback.  I replied with yes, because I have nothing to go on.  The talk went on for about 30 minutes.  He said he doesn't know what he wants, that he loves me and cares about me, but doesn't know if he can do it all again.  He is afraid things wont change ect. ect. ect.  I had lots of replies, all calm mind you.  I didn't cry once, I didn't freak out, I just listened and said what I wanted to say.  I asked him one important thing and that was if he thought I was worth it, and he said worth has nothing to do with it.

I find that statement quite interesting, because everything has a value.  If you value something and it is worth a lot to you, then you want to keep it, you want to keep it nice and safe and beautiful. Yet, he says it has nothing to do with value or worth.  He says it has nothing to do with love either.  This is were the Tonster gets confused, because in my land, it has everything to do with all of those things.  I am beginning to think he is very lazy.  He doesn't know if he wants to "get into all of that" again.  Hmmmm? all of that? explained by him to me as the good and the bad.  Yeah, my head was spinning too.

Bottom line is, is that I didn't get what I expected.  I didn't get any of that.  In fact I am a bit bothered that he gave me any hope at all.  I was not prepared for that.  I was really prepared for this to finally be over.  Mind you, I really don't want it to be over, and to be honest, if he showed up on the doorstep tonight, I would take him back in a second.  I want to see if our relationship would work with me in a better, stronger state of mind again.  However, I do NOT want this roller coaster of limbo anymore.  I am spinning my wheels, and I need to either work it out or move on.  How long is this really supposed to go on?  I guess I am the only one who can truly answer that question.  I am sure I will let go on as long as I deem necessary.  The thing about him though, is that after a conversation like that where there was hope, it wouldn't surprise me if the ass jack showed up tomorrow with a U-Haul because that is how he rolls.

I do feel good about how I handled it.  I feel good for being kind and calm and assertive.  That is the giant leap for Toni.  I didn't fall apart, and I don't feel like I am falling into a tailspin.  Small steps sometimes turn into fast sprints!