Poked the Bear

Yesterday was a hard day.  I felt a strong need to contact HIM and I did.  My reason is because I wanted to tell him that I thought he was a runner, and that I couldn't and wouldn't take the blame for everything that has happened.  I really wish that is the way it would have went.  I heard his voice and I just broke down.  I found myself begging him to come back which made me feel like a fool.  I wont bore you with all of the details, but the conversation ended and the texts went on until he once again turned mean and cold.

I cried all day and really just wanted the pain to stop.  I think I was crying mostly because I was so angry with myself.  I just had to poke the bear and I don't even know why.  I did it.  I am the one who contacted him, I am the one who provoked his meanness and  I am the one who just made the whole situation worse.

I can't for the life of me figure out why I did this.  Why did I feel such a need to contact him when deep down I knew this would be the result? 

I know that I am just looking for something to make me feel better.  None of what is happening right now makes any sense to me, and that is what is causing this unexplainable pain in my heart and the emptiness in my soul.  I know that I keep searching for answers hoping that something will click and the pain will disappear.  It's just funny that searching and talking is part of what got me here to begin with.  He hated the talking, and yet I just keep poking the bear.

I do really want to let go and just move on, but I feel like that is impossible right now.  One of the problems is that I have nothing to fill my time right now except my own thoughts.  I want to break free of this self loathing and feel an ounce of happiness again. 

Logically, I know that I am the only one that break these chains, yet they just feel so damn tight.