Today I began to Cry

...and then I stopped.  I woke up this morning feeling pretty good.  I made some wonderful coffee enjoyed the quiet of the morning and decided it was time to take the doggie for a walk.  The sunshine was beautiful and we went for an extra long stroll.  These are a few things that I am discovering really do make me happy.  My body is starting to feel better so that is a good start considering it is the gateway to my mind.

I haven't contacted "him" since Wednesday when he told me to stop texting.  It actually has been easy not to contact him (for the time being) however I can't stop thinking about him.  I am having a lot of mixed feelings and emotions about him and I am trying my best to decipher them all.  I can tell you that I am beginning to get very angry about the whole situation.  I originally took the blame for the fall apart, but I do know deep down that it is not all of my fault.  Sure, I have plenty of issues that I need to work through and figure out and I am deeply aware of most of them, but I am not the cause of everything that has happened.

I am just confused at myself at this point, because as I think about him, I think about the negative things about him and our relationship.  I do believe we can save it, but only if we are both willing to take the steps to do so, however it wasn't all rainbows and butterflies.  I could tell you a thousand reasons why I should just pack it.  I should just tell him to come get his stuff and get out of life and he can have all the time apart he needs, but something keeps stopping me.  I try to dissect it all.  Is it really him that I am mourning or is it the fact I am 32 and don't want to start over AGAIN?  There questions, I feel need a lot of thought and answers before I make a decision.  I don't want him back for any reason but love.  I don't want to hold onto something if i am just scared. 

So how do I find the answers to these questions?  I am very afraid of my own brain and my heart.  I am afraid that it will give me the wrong answers for the wrong reasons.  I want to gain the clarity of mind that I need to see this whole situation clearly.

I was sitting on the porch thinking of these very things.  The very things about our relationship that upset me and that made me happy.  I thought about never seeing him pull into the driveway again and I began to cry.  The tears just rolled down my face.  I grabbed the yoga mat and started up and the tears dried up.  I guess I am beginning to change because usually I would just cry and cry and cry, but today I replaced it with a healthy behavior and I am proud of myself.  I know it sounds small and not like much of a milestone, but for me, it was huge and my hope is that I am on my way to handling my emotions in a more effective way.

I still hurt, everyday I hurt.  I feel frustrated and defeated a lot of the time, but I keep plugging along hoping that it will start to sink in and become a natural way of life.  I just hope I truly am on he right track to something fantastic, whatever that may be.