Letter to my 17 year old self

(After my 17 again post, one of my followers suggested I write a letter to my 17 year old self.  I thought this was a great idea and I feel pretty good doing so, so y'all should give it a try!  Thanks Olivia for the suggestion)

Dear 17 year old Toni,

This letter comes from my heart and is written with nothing but love in mind.  I have been watching you a lot lately and I see things clearly for you.  I see you are suddenly in so much pain and are acting out in destructive ways.  I know all of your secrets and I know everything that you have done up to this point.  I see you crying in your bed at night, and smiling during the day.  I see you trying to cultivate a certain image so no one you know can see your pain. I see everything clearly that you cannot. 

You are taking us down a road that we shouldn't go.  You need to change directions.  It's not to late to turn around.  Don't worry about your home life right now, I know that in a sense it seems great because you have no adults around hassling you and you have all of the freedom that a 17 year old girl could want, but I know what that is doing to you.  It's not your fault about the adults in your life either, they have their own issues to work out, you just happen to be stuck on their soul journey right now, but it wont be like that forever so try to be understanding.

That guy, get rid of him, stop seeing him right away, and in fact, don't get involved with the next one either, he is a real piece of work.  You have to ask yourself what really does a 27 year old MAN want with a 17 year old girl.  He is going to approach you very soon, and yes I know he is super hot and he can buy beer, but run Toni...RUN THE OTHER WAY.  That is a pivotal kernel of advice, I can't tell you if that one moment will change the rest of your life,  but it just might.  You are only 17, you don't need to be dealing with his emotional bullshit because you are not yet equipped with the tools to handle that. 

Stop skipping school so much too, maybe it would be easier to get up in the morning if you stopped staying out so late.  You will have plenty of time to have fun later.  Right now is time to take care of business.  You are an A student with a rich future ahead of you if you would stop squandering it all away.

I know its loads of fun right now, but I bet if you think about it hard, you aren't having that much fun at all.  I bet you are full of anxiety and you know the clock is ticking.  I bet you know everything you are doing isn't really what you want to do at all.  I don't know why you are doing it, but hopefully by my next letter I will know the answers and be able to tell you why.

Just so you know, nobody is coming to rescue you, so you have to do it by yourself.  Stop acting as if nothing bothers you and that everything that is happening is okay.  That attitude will get you no where.  Rock the boat goddamn it..Rock it hard.  Who cares what anyone says, they don't care about you so why should you care about them.  This is about you Toni, and you need to start standing up for yourself!  You act so cool and so nonchalant all of the time, I bet most people never even know what you are feeling.  If they don't know, then maybe they can't understand what they are doing to you.  You are teaching people how to treat you and they are learning the wrong way to do so.  Trust me my dear, you have to change this now or your life is going to be a continuation of this pattern.  The moment you stand up for yourself, you will feel so much better, even if it doesn't have the outcome you want, you will feel good and that is all that truly matters in life.

Stop worrying about how others will see you, just be proud of what you see.  If others don't dig it, they weren't worth your time.

This is all for now.  I will right again and you and I will work all this out together! 

Remember I love you and you have so much light and sparkle in your eyes and you can be anyone you want to be.

With all of the love and respect in my heart,

The 32 year old Toni