I am self aware. I am cursed with too much self awareness. I know I when I am making a mistake, I see when I am doing wrong, and I see everything I need to do to fix it. However, I don't always do it. I am learning that I might be a creature of comfort. It is amazing that things we do over and over that bring us pain and suffering become comfortable. I know that is how it is for me. I have just learned that about myself and I must say, it makes me sick to my stomach that I have become that way.
I am used to the pain and the suffering of my life. It hurts and I am so tired of crying, yet deep down there is some comfort to it because I know what to expect. There is no surprises with my life the way that it is now.
This brings me to the question that has been on my mind for sometime now. Do we do the same things over and over, even if they are bad for us or bring us pain, because deep down we are comfortable with the results?
I wonder if there is truth to this. Actually, I don't wonder because I have found this to be true, at least for myself and I see it with the people close to me as well. I see this same attribute in my friends, and in my intimate relationships.
I think there is something inside of me that is afraid to change this habit. I have learned that I am scared of the unknown and that I am worried that I wont be able to handle new outcomes. I think that the outcomes that I am already "prepared" for throw me for a loop sometimes so what would a new outcome do to me?
I am realizing how much fear I have in my life and deep inside my soul. I am afraid to fail yet I am afraid to succeed. I am afraid to experience the new because I don't know what to expect. I obviously am NOT afraid of heartbreak because I set myself up for that day after day.
For every action, there is a reaction, so if I am comfortable with heartbreak then I must be severely uncomfortable with happiness.
Ugh...that is quite the revelation. Damn self awareness f#@ked me again.
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Great post. You have a gift that some will never have, self awareness. I spent years seeing a psychologist to learn what you can do naturally. Yes as humans we can be a creature of comfort. I totally agree that we do things, even though we know that it could be bad or we do it the hard way just because it makes us comfortable.
ReplyDeleteThere is a benefit and a negative of being self aware. The benefit can help to notice that we are going down and that we can get help before it gets bad. The negative is that we can over analyse ourselves, which can bring on great anxiety over nothing. Knowing the difference is the hard part. Know your limits so that when you go to challenge something you know what target you have to beat.
Keep positive. :)
I can definitely relate to this. I find that by realizing what I am doing to myself, it brings me both negative and positive outcomes. It feels better knowing what's going on in my life and why,,,BUT then I tend to over analyze things and I end up making it worse. It's not easy breaking the cycle, but I'm trying. :)
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