17 Again

I wish I could re-visit every significant event in my life.  There are events that have always been big and that have influenced my life and then there are events that as your life progresses, you realize where huge and effected me in a much deeper way than I ever imagined.  I want to go back in time and see everything that I didn't see before.  I want to see where I made the wrong turn, and I want to go in the other direction.  I know that a chain of events led me to this place right now.  I am broken down, have lost all of my self worth and have become extremely unsure of myself that I have a hard time even making a small decision.  I am realizing that it wasn't just this one event that did this to me, it was just the straw that broke the camels back.  I believe that where I am right now, has been an event in the making for several years.  I think this all started when I was 17. 

When I was 17 my life was weird.  It wasn't the life of a normal teenager.  I had way to much freedom and not enough guidance because I thought that I knew it all.  I was basically living on my own and spent my time drinking beer and chasing boys.  I loved boys!! (okay still do) I loved having the freedom of an adult and I loved being able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted to do it, the only problem with all of this is that no matter how "mature" I actually was, I DID not have the mental capacity to handle that kind of freedom.

Looking back, I think I suffered from some low self esteem.  Every teenage girl feels that way, but mine came out in destructive ways.  I like older boys...in fact my prom date was so much older than I was, he already had an ex-wife under his belt...but he could buy beer, so I overlooked that small detail. :)

I noticed lately that I have been unable to stand up for myself with people that have wronged me or not treated me with basic human respect.  I have figured out that this started at the age of 17.  I started to become very unsure of myself at 17.  I grew out of it for awhile but now at 32, I am just as unsure as I was at 17. 

17 was a good year for me.  I had the body I wanted, I had the car I wanted, I had the lifestyle I wanted, I had tons of friends and I had boys chasing me like crazy, however towards the end of that year, I began to change.  I "dated" a guy that I really liked, he was older of course and there wasn't anything about him that I didn't like.  However, for some reason, I just didn't pursue it to get it to the serious level I wanted.  I didn't rock the boat (the theme that has followed..I mean haunted my whole life).  I never pressured him and to be honest, I was actually quite nonchalant about the whole thing.  I never told him what I wanted and now I look back at that as a horrible decision.  I look back at that as a defining decision.  I just let him go and moved on to one terrible relationship after another, never rocking the boat and in turn, never getting what I truly want.  I don't know why I look at this event as so significant, but it just feels like it is.  Something inside me told me I wasn't worthy of him so I didn't even try.  I don't know (as of yet) what got inside of me and stole my self worth, but I would sure like to find out. 

I realized today that self worth is the issue.  It's the issue that is destroying my life.  Why don't I feel worthy?  I have no idea.  Logically I can say that I am worthy of good things, and good people, yet somewhere, embedded deep in my consciousness is this voice telling me I am not worthy and I just don't understand it. 

I want to go back and kick that 17 year old into shape.  I want to tell her so many things and save her from so much grief.  If only my flex capacitor wasn't broken, and if only I had a supply of plutonium, I could jump in my Delorian and go back and whip that girl into shape.